Abvreviewations: Eat Lead, Halo Wars, Witch Mountain

That's right, I'm still spelling "Abreviewation" with only one B. I started it because of a typo, and am too stubborn to admit that I'm wrong. Anyway, here's what I've been into lately,



1. Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard - This game made me laugh. A lot. By and large it's nothing but a third person shooter with a clunky cover mechanic and some semi-decent gunplay. Where Eat Lead shines however is not through some intuitive controls scheme or revolutionary spin on the shooting genre. Eat Lead is fun, because the entirety of it's story is just one big parody of every video game cliche` born ever the last twenty some years. The game is rife with load screens which say things like, "Tip: A helpful hint", and instances of the titular Matt Hazard breaking the fourth wall. Characters like the Master Chef from, "Crown of Light", and Alto Stratus from the "Penultimate Illusion games" are sure to appeal to any hardcore gamer's sense of humor. Eat Lead doesn't take itself too seriously, and this is a good thing, because without the laughs and video game in-jokes, it would probably be nothing but a mediocre TPS not worth mentioning. The gameplay is solid enough to play through it one time, but probably won't hold a lot of replay value for fans of games like Gears of War. Oh, and for Achievement hounds (we are of course talking 360 version) the game is generous; I scored 845 points out of a thousand on my first playthrough.


2. Halo Wars – I’ve been a fan of Ensemble Studios for years. I’ve been a fan of the Halo franchise for years. So when I heard that Microsoft was putting the two together, I was excited to say the least. I can’t complain about much with this game; it does exactly what it’s supposed to do. It’s a solid RTS, with all the qualities that make games of this genre so engrossing. Combat is emphasized over resource farming, and while some hardcore RTS players may be disappointed by this, it works considerably well when one takes into account the limitations of a controller-based scheme versus a mouse and keyboard. The controls themselves are pretty solid, and while they will take some getting used to, you’ll find yourself mastering them before you complete the fifteen-mission campaign. The complete Halo experience is here – menu screens which are overlaid with a deep, translucent blue, behind which pre-renders play in a loop. The story is epic and its outcome will, once again, decide the fate of humanity (it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how it ends, as this DOES take place twenty years before Combat Evolved). There are hidden Skulls which, once unlocked, will reward (or punish) the player with optional game-altering effects. Everything from removing the player’s radar to the beloved Grunt Birthday party can be unlocked by claiming the appropriate skulls. The game is jam packed with all the weapons, characters, troop classes and vehicles that fans of the Halo franchise have come to love. The UNSC has Scorpions, Pelicans, Warthogs, Marines and (of course) Spartans at its disposal. The Covenant is equipped with everything from Grunts, Elites and Hunters to Brute Choppers, Banshees, and even the dreaded Scarab. Both factions are also given new units and troop classes, never before seen in the Halo timeline. The new additions mesh nicely with the rest of the mythos, and the player really feels like they’ve been a part of the universe all along; Master Chief just never happened across them.
Overall, this is a great game for Halo and RTS fans (a claim that no other game can possibly make). And if you happen to be a fan of both, then you’re bound to enjoy yourself. Replayability is high, with several options for online multiplayer and plenty of incentives to warrant multiple Campaign playthroughs. Achievements are about average in terms of difficulty – one playthrough on Normal difficulty yields about 400 points, and experimenting with the Skirmish and Online modes will bump you up to about 500.


3. Race to Witch Mountain - I really don't have much to say about this movie. I mean, it was good. Good for kids, good for adults. Just a good movie. Not fantastic, not crappy. Dwayne Johnson gives a solid, competent performance, as one might expect. The two child actors play their parts extremely well (I don't know their names), and the token love interest/scientist played by Carla Gugino fits her archetype. The special effects are solid (except the bullet-time sequence, where I said out loud, "Are you kidding me?") and the story works. I've never seen the original or its sequel, so I really can't say much about whether or not this remake is faithful to the source material. Overall this film is worth a watch, but you won't be too bad off it you wait for a DVD release and give it a rent.

Five, count'em, FIVE graphic novels for your consideration.

SCOTT PILGRIM, volumes 1-5, by Bryan Lee O’Malley: If someone were to ask me “Hey Brett, what do you think are the greatest examples of the comicbook as its own medium?”, which no one would do, my answer would be simple: Watchmen and Hellboy. And now, having read all five volumes, I think I’d like to add Scott Pilgrim to that list. Scott Pilgrim tells the story of its titular hero as he lives his crazy life in Toronto, dating the girl of his dreams (literally) named Ramona Flowers and defeating her seven evil ex-boyfriends while playing in a lousy band called Sex Bo-Bomb. The entire series is loaded with references to old-school videogames, and even makes Scott’s life out to be a videogame. One example is the fact that, when defeated, a number of Ramona’s evil ex-boyfriends explode into a shower of coins, and a couple of them have even left behind treasure chests. There was even once a save point!

The story itself is six levels of hilarious, but it can get pretty dramatic as well, with Scott dealing with ex-girlfriends and just getting his life together in general. The guy’s a mess, scatter-brained, and I somewhat identify with him, and that’s part of what makes the series so endearing. The pacing, dialogue, it’s all perfect. And look, Edgar Wright, the director of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, is turning it into a movie! So you’d better go read all five volumes now (only one more volume will be released before the series is ended) so that when the movie comes out, you won’t be another poseur like all those people who were at the Watchmen premiere!

Crécy, written by Warren Ellis, illustrated by Raulo Caceres: Ever had one of those teachers or professors that you just loved listening to when they lectured? Maybe it was their sense of humor, maybe it’s because they seemed like they were never really sober. This is kind of like that. Crécy is, essentially, a book about the battle in 1346 between the English and the French that took place in yes, you guessed it, Crécy, France. Our guide through the battle is a soldier in the English army, an archer, who speaks directly to the reader, explaining what’s going on, quite hilariously. “I am, of course, a complete bloody xenophobe who comes from a time when it was acceptable to treat people in the next village like they were subhumans. On the other hand, the French make sausages out of horse’s arseholes and have a history of using England as their toilet.”

Did you know the English liked leaving their arrows lying around in feces in order to cause infected wounds in anyone unlucky enough to survive getting shot? Or how many different arrowheads were used? Do you know how Edward the Second died? It’s all in this book, educating and yet totally hilarious. And the art is exceptional, very much like old woodblock prints from the medieval days, clean black and white and extremely detailed. It’s a short, quick read, and one that I promise you’ll come back to read again.

HELLSPAWN: The Ashley Wood Collection, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Steve Niles, illustrated by Ashley Wood: I don’t really get Spawn. I’m not a huge fan. I had some issues of the comic when I was little, but I didn’t really care much for them. I also think Brian Michael Bendis is a hack writer (except for Powers and his Daredevil run) and have never liked Steve Niles works very much, so why am I reviewing this? Because I love Ashley Wood’s artwork. This comic was one of his earlier gigs, but it still oozes with style and awesomesauce. The story and the writing? Eh, I dunno. People are talking about a war, some government agents capture and reprogram Cygor to go after Spawn or something, it’s all too damn vague and not a very good read. But the art is oh so fantastic! Err, well, for the most part. Wood does seem to have a hard time here and there grasping the whole “sequential art” idea, and something tells me the scripts he had to work from were a bit foggy as well, so meh. It’s not worth the full price, but then I got my copy for half off. Maybe Spawn fans will enjoy it. Not that I know any.

SKY DOLL, volume 1, written and illustrated by Barbara Canepa and Alessandro Barbucci: I picked this up on a whim. Or, well, asked for it for Christmas on a whim. It’s a French sci fi comic, brought here to us filthy heathen Americans courtesy of Marvel Comics, hardcover-only, and actually kind of short. It revolves around a “Sky Doll” named Noa. See, Sky Dolls are basically sex robots, but Noa, she’s special. How so? Well, it’s only the first volume, so I have no real clue, but it has to do with some crazy controversial stuff with the religion that the two missionaries she hooks up with are supposed to be trying to spread. She joins them on a mission to spread the word of Papess Lodovica to the planet Aqua, but things turn grim as the true mission is revealed. It’s rather heavy stuff, which you wouldn’t expect when looking at the very cartoony, expressive art. We’re not dealing with humans here, no. I have no idea what race these guys are, but that’s not really the point. Regardless, it’s a very interesting read, and I wonder what volume 2 will bring to the table. Get on the ball with that, Marvel!

THE WALKING DEAD, Books 1-4 (volumes 1-8), written by Robert Kirkman, illustrated by Tony Moore and Charlie Adlard: “Oh look, another zombie comic,” some of you might say. And you know, I’d be in that camp too, I’m personally tired of this oversaturation of zombies in my comics, videogames, and movies. But the Walking Dead is endearing. For one thing, it’s ongoing. It refuses to freaking stop, no matter how many characters die. For another thing, this is NOT a book about zombies. It’s entirely about the human survivors and the challenges they face which rarely have much to do with the actual zombies themselves. It’s grim stuff, a real page-turner. I mean hell, I read all eight volumes pretty much back to back in the four hardcover books, rarely stopping for breath. My thought process as I read through it all was along the lines of something like, “oh shit, holy shit, no way, did they just, there’s no way they would OH SHIT fuck fuck fuck oh no shit NO THEY KILLED _______ DAMMIT FUCK NO oh shit oh shit!”

Trust me: No one in this book is safe. And the Governor, who gets introduced later into the series? He is a fucking bastard and one of the most evil characters I’ve ever encountered in a comic. So, whether you’re a fan of zombies, survival horror, or whatever, or even if you think zombies suck hardcore, you need to read this thing. You can thank me later.

[Brett]

Resident Evil: Degeneration (Mave)

!WARNING! !BIOHAZZARD OUTBREAK!

This little review contains some spoilers for Resident Evil: Degeneration. If you don't want to be spoiled, just read only what is posted after the final picture (which is just another poster for the movie featuring Leon and Claire).

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

With Resident Evil 5 just coming out a few days ago, and my copy just arriving on my front porch earlier today, I figure there's no better time than now to review something RElated (Pun intended). I've been playing catch up with the Resident Evil series for a few years now. I never even played one of the games until the RE Remake came to the Gamecube in 2002, then I played RE0, then I played RE4 when it came out on the Cube in 2005. I considered myself a fan of the franchise, but only on the Nintendo consoles. I played the RE4 Wii port when it came out in 2007 as well as Umbrella Chronicles, but I never got to play Resident Evil 2, 3, or Code Veronica until just a few months ago.

I got a great Christmas gift in receiving all 3 of them for the Gamecube. I played RE2 first, then RE3, and I just finished up Code Veronica X literally a few hours ago. I feel quite accomplished, if I'm allowed to pat myself on the back. The games are very addictive and there's just something that really pulls you into the experience.

Now that I've explained my Resident Evil history, I also might add that I just recently purchased Resident Evil: Degeneration about a week ago. We as video game fans know that when movies are made out of our favorite games, they often times (almost all the time) never translate well. So, does this CGI DVD only release do the fan service that many (myself included) feel the live action movies failed to do?



What you may already know about this film is that it's essentially Resident Evil in an airport. Or at least that's what they want you to think. It follows Resident Evil characters Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield. The film takes place in 2005, and is one year after the events of Resident Evil 4. Leon has pretty much established himself as a Presidential Agent and must have impressed someone by rescuing the President's daughter because he's not being sent on some wild goose chase this time around. Well, he kinda is but that's beside the point.

Claire on the other hand, has given up the "fighting" aspect of fighting the Biohazards of the world. Sometime after the events of Code Veronica X Claire joined "TerraSave" which is more of a rescue group for those who are victims of a biohazard or a terrorist attack involving biohazardous materials. You might think of it as more of a peaceful role than that of Leon. She's given up gun slinging in place for helping the victims and family members of victims and such.

The movie starts out with Claire arriving back from India where she did her most recent mission. Long story short, a bio-terrorist attack takes place in that very airport at that very moment. It's worth noting that present in the airport is Senator Ron Davis, one of the members who voted on bombing Racoon City and has been believed to be politically tied to a lot of biohazard problems of the world. An airplane that was scheduled to arrive holds a passenger who was infected with the T-Virus, thus causing everyone onboard to become infected, and thus causing the plane to crash INTO the airport terminal. It doesn't take long for practically everyone to be infected. Thankfully, Claire has dealt with a situation like this before, so she rounds up the few survivors.

While a Special Agent Team is outside preparing a rescue operation, they call in an even higher up who is a specialist at this type of thing. You might know him as Leon S. Kennedy.


That lovely lady at his side in the above picture is Angela Miller, who plays a pretty big role in the film. I know what you're thinking, "WHAT?! This film is supposed to be about Leon and Claire!" Trust me, the new characters they introduce are good enough.

Angela, Leon, and a guy named "Kevin" go into the airport to save the survivors. We get a nice throwback to Resident Evil 2 with the first line Leon saying to Claire being "Get down" as he tells her this just before shooting a zombie approaching her from behind. Leon and Claire and the Senator and a few others make it out. Unfortunately, the Marine that seems to be juiced up and trigger happy, Kevin, doesn't make it out.

Now comes the political side of the film. Some fans might not like this, but I personally did. This pharmacy company, "WilPharma" was believed to be responsible for the attack, at least by Claire. They end up supplying the antidote, which is actually an antidote to the T-Virus. (Gee, that would have been helpful during the games.) Claire is confused, Leon explains some stuff, and this slimy villain of a Senator ends up eating it all up. He really is a real scumbag. Just the kind of villain that seems like he'd come out of one of the games. I can't imagine a character like Senator Ron Davis working well in a live action movie, but that's more of the reason to appreciate him here; because this is a treat to the fans.


Just LOOK at that creep. He looks like he's up to no good, and chances are he is. But because he's a senator and he's got the money, he's able to hide from being blamed. I could TOTALLY see this guy in one of the games.

I don't want to spoil the entire movie, but I hope I've hooked you enough. I'll give you the jist of the rest. Angela's brother, Curtis Miller, was a survivor of the Racoon City tragedy. His family was lost in the events and he became an extremist at being against all potential biohazard threats. He was once a respected doctor, but now he's just a nut with long stringy hair who's out for revenge.

Claire ends up befriending the WilPharma head guy, and they go back to the laboratory. Claire finds out they have the G-Virus (William Birkin from RE2) there at the lab! She gets a little freaked out and decides to alert Leon, Curtis is seen leaving with the virus, then a bomb goes off! OH SNAP!

Leon hurries there with Angela and now we have another biohazard situation. Claire is injured in the explosion but meets up with Leon and she makes her way out. Curtis injects HIMSELF with the G-Virus to show the world what WilPharma has in their possession, and ends up becoming a freaky evolution like all the other classic Resident Evil villains. It quickly becomes Leon and Anegla versus this new creature, and sure enough, a self destruct sequence is initiated during their fight.

Do they make it out? What happens? Do Leon and Claire get it on? Is the Merchant in the movie?


Well my friends, you'll just have to watch it to find out.

Perhaps I did spoil too much, but I just have to say that this movie is great. It's Resident Evil fan service all the way. If you get to see this and allow yourself to get completely enthralled, you'll see just how similar the vibe of this film and the vibe of the games are. I could easily see this translating into a playable game, and there are enough moments that are pure nods at those who played the games.

In fact, I honestly can't recommend this to anyone who hasn't played one of the games. Take that for what it's worth, but the more serious of an RE fan you are, the more you appreciate this. Whether it be the teased relationship between Leon and Claire, the appearance of Hunnigan, or even the appearance of a freaky boss at the end, this movie is very close to the games.

I know that some people will feel differently, and I understand. I guess this probably isn't the most well made film of all time, but if you are a fan of the Resident Evil series, you really shouldn't miss this movie. I honestly don't think you'll be disappointed.

Who Watched the Watchmen?

Apparently, all of us!
My review:
Meh, it was alright.

The Seven Year Itch

Oh, yes. You're right. It's that movie. With what's-her-face. The image of Marilyn Monroe standing on the subway grate getting her dress ruffled by a passing train is almost synonymous with cinema, Hollywood and American pop culture in general. But if you're not a film buff, Marilyn fan or interested in pop culture at all, chances are you haven't seen this movie. Which is a little sad, because The Seven Year Itch is a classic.

Telling the story of a married Manhattanite whose wife and child are away for the summer, the movie begins with the explanation that all the married men (in New York, at least) have affairs of some sort while their families are gone. While this premise is certainly debatable, it's worth noting that A) this is a comedy movie and B) it was made in 1955. While attempting to catch up on work, maintain his doctor's orders, and uphold the fidelity of his marriage, Richard Sherman finds himself being tested to his limits by the girl upstairs, a striking twenty-something blonde with a habit of walking around her apartment nude. He gets crazier and crazier for her, leading to many uproariously awkward and insane situations.

As a child of the nineties, I just didn't expect a movie made thirty years before I was born to be so funny. Tom Ewell shines as the neurotic Sherman attempting to stave off the temptations brought about by Marilyn Monroe's character, credited simply as The Girl. Monroe's performance is bubbly, naive, and consistently hilarious. She somehow comes off as innocent as a schoolgirl while still managing to be a thoroughly convincing flirt, and it's no small wonder how she attained such meteoric status in American cinema and the public consciousness.

Billy Wilder's direction gives the movie a clip, a beat you can almost dance to in the classic tradition. The movie's writing is witty, filled with side-splitting asides, and breaches the fourth wall at least three times. As much as I hate to say it, they just don't make 'em like this anymore.

And yes, it's got THE scene, with THE dress. The one you've seen parodied to hell and back. Interestingly enough, the famous full-body shots of the wind from the passing subway car lifting Marilyn's dress above her knees and her coyly attempting to cover herself are absent. The story is that the original scene was shot on location in Manhattan, but the uproar caused by the onlooking crowd made the footage unusable (they did a re-shoot on a sound stage; it was this that made its way into the final product). The sensibilities of the age may also have contributed to the cut.

This is a movie you need to see. An American classic comedy with one of the greatest American actresses who ever lived. It's very much a fifties movie, but still funny half a century later. If that doesn't define "timeless", I don't know what does.

Watchmen: Aaronus

Watchmen is a good movie. Let me start with that.

When word began to spread that Zach Snyder, the man behind 300 was helming a movie adaptation of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons highly acclaimed graphic novel, sentiments were mixed. Many fans of the tome were downcast; surely Snyder would turn this into a slow-mo action fest, butcher the story, and rob this astounding accomplishment of its soul. Others were ecstatic. Snyder is a comic nerd, after all. No true nerd, in good conscience, would ever lay an uncanonical hand on Rorschach his compatriots. Right?

It is my opinion that both groups were mistaken. What we got was a mixture of a faithful retelling and a Hollywood rework, which I have to admit, works rather well.

I'll get the negatives out of the way first.

My most immediate, and the greatest of my complaints lies with the soundtrack. Songs like The Sound of Silence and Flight of The Valkyries might seem to fit with the movie as a whole, but their placement within the film reduces what should have been some of its more dramatic, epic moments to cheesy cliches. Edward Blake’s funeral in particular lost it's morose and dark atmosphere, a fact not lessened by it's taking place in broad daylight. I had to ask myself what exactly they were thinking, and even slumped forward in my seat and said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me” when Dr. Manhattan crested over the hill in the Vietnam flashback to Die Walkure’s most recognizable piece.

There were also a lot of scenes which I was hoping I’d see, but which were predictably omitted. Pieces of Rorschach’s origin flashback are nowhere to be found, and characters like Hollis Mason aren’t given near as much screen time as you think they should. Relatively little time is spent explaining the history of the Minutemen/Watchmen, and the majority of the original masked adventurers are all but gone.

All of these complaints, however, come from a fan of the graphic novel. I went in the theater hoping (but, admittedly, not expecting) to re-experience the novel through a different medium. I wanted that same feeling that I got the first time I watched Rorschach break fingers and the discovered Adrian’s master plan. I wanted Watchmen. And in a few ways, that’s what I got.
Additionally, when viewed through the eyes of a movie goer and not a hardcore comic nerd, the film looks a little better.

The characters are all well preserved, and the actors do a competent (and in some cases excellent) job of portraying them. Rorschach is almost perfect, Nite Owl isn’t far behind, and visually, Dr. Manhattan was just plain amazing. The Comedian’s overall character is there, but some wooden acting lightens his impact. Silk Spectre is… well, Laurie; largely a support character with no real, substantial effect on the film as a whole. The only character which I feel could have been done better is Ozymandias, but he fills his niche in the story and does a few really cool things besides.

And yes, of course, the ending has been changed. Everybody knows that by now. You’ll have to draw your own conclusions as to whether or not you like the plot alterations, but in my opinion it works well, and is accessible to fans of both the novel, and people being introduced to the Watchmen for the first time.

All in all, I got what I came for. I got to see my favorite characters in motion, I was wowed by some of the visuals, and I enjoyed myself. There are other things I could say, but they’ve been covered in the other reviews. At the end of the day Snyder’s Watchmen is a great movie, a decent adaptation, and a worth watching at least once.



*Rorschach’s dialogue at the beginning is perfect, lifted straight from the graphic novel.

*As we left the theater, my friends joked that the sequel would be called, “The Revenge of Rorschach”, and that he would be endowed with Dr. Manhattan like powers.

*And yeah I know you see Manhattan’s junk. Next.

Watchmen : Brett

I have read the graphic novel 3 times and studied its pages countless more times. So the night I was at the midnight premiere of the Dark Knight, and the first trailer for Zack Snyder’s film adaptation came on, I was enthralled, to say the least. As it went on, I sat at the edge of my seat, leaning forward, jaw on the floor, muttering “oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” And when the movie was over? I went home and watched the trailer online even more times. That trailer stuck with me more than the film I was there to see in the first place.



So now the wait is over and the film is out. I attended the midnight premiere with my Rorschach-obsessed girlfriend and two other friends, we firmly seated ourselves, excited, anticipating the greatness that would wash over us.

Nearly three hours later, we walked out scratching our heads, with the same opinions: it was beautiful, it was good, but something wasn’t right…

It took a day of thinking back on it to figure out why it didn’t feel right, and now I know: it was too damn artificial feeling. Let me put it this way: this film is incredibly faithful to it’s source material, insofar as the attention to detail, the events as they happen, right down to the lines spoken by the actors coming straight off the pages of the graphic novel. The problem is, while it captures all of that, what it fails at is capturing the FEEL of the book.

That was what irked me the most, for the entire time I sat in the theater watching the movie, I never felt any of what I felt while reading the graphic novel. No shivers down my spine, no holy shit moments, none of it. It just didn’t feel right.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I enjoyed every scene with Rorschach in it, because he was nailed pretty much perfectly. I also loved the guy who played Dan Dreiburg/Nite Owl II, aside from a few moments here and there that I felt were really out of character for him. The rest of the characters, however, did not work for me. Doctor Manhattan’s voice was too plain and soft, and the way he recited his lines just came out as flat. I mean yes, Manhattan’s supposed to be detached from humanity and all that, but it just didn’t work. The Comedian had a lot of potential that you could tell was just waiting to be unleashed, but never happened. Veidt was painted into a corner. Laurie contributed nothing, same goes for her mother. Arg.

And then there are other things wrong with it. The pacing is terrible, while it moves at a decent clip and is never boring, some scenes are way too rushed, while other sequences go on for far too long (see the Comedian’s death and Dan having sex with Laurie), and you never get that gut-punch feeling that the book accomplishes when important things happen. The movie is also ultraviolent, unnecessarily so, and it’s just distracting and takes you out of the film. That, along with the horrible score and bad song choices, just gives the movie an overly-cheesy feel, which is precisely what it SHOULDN’T be.

*sigh* I know it sounds like I hated it. I didn’t hate it. There were some great bits to it, like I loved how they handled Veidt’s bullet catch, the opening credits were amazing, and like I said, Rorschach was perfect. I’m going to wait on the director’s cut to hit DVD, with the Black Freighter stuff included, and we’ll see how that goes.

[Brett]

Watchmen: Murex

Murex's Journal, March 6th, 2009: Hot dogs in heater this morning, sweet relish on burnt frankfurters.

This theater is afraid of me. I've seen its true facade. Impressive. Very art nouveau. The trailers are all extended teasers and the teasers are full of explosions and when they're over all the fanboys will drown in their sweat. The accumulated filth of all their candy wrappers and popcorn buckets will foam up around their feet and all the film buffs and comic-lovers will shout "Start the movie!" and the projectionist will whisper, "No." but then the manager will have a stern talk with him and he'll change his mind.

Watchmen, in case you have somehow missed it or are some night-clubbing cool kid with no nerd friends whatsoever, is a graphic novel. Many would argue that it is in fact the graphic novel. If you are new to Watchmen, do not approach your resident comic-book-reading friend to learn about it. They will gesture wildly and begin foaming at the mouth in an attempt to both explain what the premise of the novel is and to express their ardent fervor for its brilliance, which may result in a mild stroke.

The setting of the film and novel is an alternate 1985 America, where masked heroism has been outlawed. Reaching its heyday in the forties, the moral quandaries of allowing "masks" to take the law into their own hands finally reach their peak and Congress forbids it. All heroes retire—except for the misanthropic Rorschach, an over-the-edge masked avenger with an inflated sense of justice and a belief that morality is an absolute value.

It is this aspect that makes the property so engaging—all the characters are so astoundingly human, with all the problems and personality disorders you'd expect someone who punches guys while dressed up in tights to have. Even the godlike Dr. Manhattan has problems with being immortal, indestructible and omnipotent. All of this comes through via the (mostly) capable performances of the film's actors. Some stilted acting, however, comes close to ruining certain moments, and while the performances are mostly decent, there is a certain robotic feeling to it all, that it's an adaptation, not a work by itself, and the movie suffers from it.

The action sequences in the movie are stylized, and a bit over-the-top in classic Snyder tradition. Making extensive use of slow-motion and kung-fu flick-esque choreography, one gets the feeling that these segments are there for the benefit of everyone who came to see Watchmen: That One New Comic Book Movie, as opposed to Watchmen: the Adaptation of Said Comic. I'm not saying that Silk Spectre never kicked ass, just that I don't remember her turning a guy upside down and slamming him bodily into a wall. The same goes for a lot of the violence in the film. I really don't remember that many stray entrails. Don't bring the kids. Seriously.

Visually, the movie is candy. As close to the novel as a movie made in this era could possibly be, Zack Snyder's love for the source material is shown in beautiful still shots and slow pans, letting the viewer take it all in. His eye for detail is unmatched as well, cramming as much as he possibly can into every frame. In a way, though, it proves Alan Moore right: even with all the loving detail in the world, a movie is a ride on rails rather than a walk in the park, and the viewer can't stop and admire and examine the little things as one could with a comic book. Having said that, the film does its damnedest and succeeds for the most part on translating the still panels into moving images.

Some things had to be cut, however. The Tales of the Black Freighter comic-in-comic is nowhere to be seen, and several smaller scenes were taken out, dampening the impact of events like the unmasking of Rorschach. The climax of the novel has been changed, but before you storm angrily out the door, it was tastefully, even brilliantly executed. While I do enjoy Moore's version, I think it would have (ahem) alienated many moviegoers, leading to confusion and lots of what-the-fuckery. A hilariously subtle nod is made to the novel—possibly for the Watchmen faithfuls like me—during the movie's version of the climax, something I sadly missed and had to have a friend point out to me. Luckily in the case of the deleted scenes, Snyder plans on releasing a ginormagantuan three-and-a-half-hour director's cut version of the film on DVD, and if we are good fanboys and it sells, there are rumors of a theatrical release of this version as well. Fingers crossed, mates.

All in all, it's a good movie. It's not a fantastic, mind-altering experience. It's Watchmen: The Ride, the essence of the novel brought to life as vividly as it can be. Its flaws are apparent, and serve to show the stark contrasts between mediums, and how a positive aspect in one can be a pitfall in the other. Its obviously painstaking recreation of its source is its biggest shortcoming, and fails to attain a real level of greatness and soul as Christopher Nolan's Batman reboot and sequel did for that series. A gem to be sure, but a flawed one.

(I feel I should also mention that there is a penis in this movie. A blue one. I feel I should mention this because every single other review in the godforsaken universe thinks it's important. I mean, yeah, sure, it's obscene. That's kind of the point. Can we grow up now?)

Watchmen: Krenz

"Never compromise. Even in the face of Armageddon."

Okay, so if you are a part of the geek mind set in this country in the slightest, you knew it was coming months and months in advance. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's comic masterpiece take to the silver screen in one of the most highly anticipated adaptations of all time. How did this bar of high expectation fare once the film finally played in theaters nationwide this weekend?

When I first heard of the Watchmen, I knew nothing about the comic. I didn't know it existed. In fact, when I saw the first trailer, I thought Watchmen was about one guy who was a super hero dick who didn't want to save people. ("I whisper, 'No'") Then it came to light that there was this comic turned graphic novel, and a film adaptation has been in production hell for over 20 years. My interest peeked. Eventually I got a hold of the novel, began reading it, and before you know it I had Watchmen fever.

I'm not going to lie, I was damn excited for this flick. It's directed by Zack Snyder, the man who brought to life 300. If you aren't a fan of 300 you don't have any testicles. It was an R-Rated superhero flick, meaning sex, violence, the usual course of interest keepers in movies today. It seemed unable to disappoint.

And I was right. This movie was practically flawless in it's adaptation of the comic. Having finished the comic 24 hours prior to seeing the film, I was watching out for anything ghastly different to ruin the ebb and flow of the heros' converging story lines. They were all expertly crafted together in a nearly seamless fashion. What changes were implemented were done only to better translate the message into a new medium, and they weren't anywhere near unwarranted.


The editing in this film was great. The actors portrayed their parts with near perfection. I especially enjoyed Rorschach's film portrayal, and to hear his voice narrate his journal was amazing. I was surprised but not upset by the choice of how to make Dr. Manhattan sound. In reading the novel, I gave Doc a deep god-like voice, something that would seem to pierce all layers of the universe at once. The filmmakers went for a more Hal-esque sound, making me think Doc Manhattan was more of a computer than a being that transcends reality. All the other parts were cast remarkably well, resembling their comic counterparts in every detail.

The soundtrack in this film was different, but well done. It consisted of more lyrical tracks than ambient noise, making the movie less orchestral in sound. The special effects were interesting, though I do have one complaint. Certain scenes with Dr. Manhattan seemed too animated. Some of the textures in the CGI revealed it to be CGI way too easily, much like the final scene in the Matrix Revolutions. It felt less a part of the film, and more like an effect. The point of an effect is to make it not look an effect was used.


In the end, however, the film did not disappoint. I went and saw it with my lady friend, who didn't read the comic, and she greatly enjoyed the film as well. It seems like a home run for fans and non-fans alike. It is my personal recommendation that you close your laptop, turn off your monitor, or get off of your iPhone, and drive to the nearest theatre to see it. Immediately. Like, right now. I'll wait, it's okay.

...

Are you back? Good. Did you like it. I knew you would. You're welcome.

"All the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' And I'll whisper 'no'. "