Abreviewation: 2079

2079 is a top-down shooter available exclusively on the iPhone and iPod Touch. It plays like any other shooter of it's type, pitting you up against wave after wave of enemies in a boxed in environment. Using the touch screen to aim and shoot, and the accelerometer (tilting the device) to move, the game controls well, and fans of games like Geometry Wars will have little to no trouble getting the hang of it. The game is great as a pick-up-and-play, with its simple mechanics and arcade like presentation. 2079 is available right now on the iTunes App Store for $0.99, making it a worthwhile and affordable addition to your inventory of time wasters.

Brett's Best/Worst Of 2008 Picks!

I did this last year, so let's have another go at it:

Best Movie: Undoubtedly the Dark Knight. Do I really need to explain why? Heath Ledger steals the show as the Joker, and of course, anything with Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman in it is gold. However, it's not my favorite. That goes to…

Favorite Movie: Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Don't act like you're surprised! It's the only movie I've seen in theaters 3 times, and for damn good reason. Guillermo del Toro is probably my second-favorite director, and the film's an excellent example of why: lots and lots and lots of IMAGINATION. The movie is packed full of creatures, the majority of which are guys in suits, puppets, and animatronics, the sets are spectacular, and the action is great. Plus, the movie's damn hilarious. Sorry Batman, but ol' Red is my favorite comicbook character.

Runner Up: Iron Man. IT'S TECHPR0N. With Robert Downey Jr. and the Dude!

Favorite Movie that DIDN'T come out this year that I saw for the first time: Stalker. Which was made in the 70's. It's a beautiful movie.

Runner Up: Primer, for being time travel done in an interesting way. And for being a lot like Pi.

Most Violent Movie: Punisher War Zone. Hands down.

Most Schizophrenic Movie: Doomsday. Seriously, from some kind of 28 Days Later thing to espionage to Mad Max to Lord of the Rings and more. This movie is INSANE. And I love it.

Best DVD: Hellboy II. Yep.

Best Trailer: Watchmen. The first one. Had me on the edge of my seat, my jaw on the floor, muttering "oh my God" over and over again. And then I went home and watched it like, 30 more times. It stuck with me more than the Dark Knight itself, man.

Runner Up: Black Dynamite! Because it was so damn hilarious.

Best Giant Monster Movie: The only one. Cloverfield. Though Hellboy II DID have the elemental…

Best Movie I Didn't See: Eden Log. Foreign sci fi thriller thing!

Worst Movie I Didn't See: Meet Dave, probably. Or any one of those parody movies, I forget which ones came out this year and which didn't, they all run together like a river of shit…Oh, and Twilight!

Best Album: The Mars Volta - The Bedlam in Goliath. After their third album, Amputechture, being so disappointing, this was a breath of fresh air and more of that psychotic, surreal wonder that encapsulates what the Mars Volta is. This is what brought them back to being my favorite band ever.

Runners Up: Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts I-IV. Okay, I haven't listened to many other new albums, but once I got my hands on this in its entirety, I played the hell out of it. 36 instrumental tracks for 5 bucks, close to 2 hours of music, and it's wonderful stuff to just zone out and work to. Also Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!! First complete album of his that I've gotten, and it's wonderful. I love that Australian man to death.

Best Soundtrack: Repo! The Genetic Opera. YESSSSS. I have Kat to thank for this, and CJ too since I think he and his girlfriend got her into it. So yes! Rock opera!

Runner Up: Monkey: Journey to the West. Another opera, from the men who created the Gorillaz, Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett. I love those guys.

Best Album that didn't come out this year: Mastodon - Blood Mountain. Fucking badass metal, I love those guys. Why I didn't get it when it came out in 2006 is beyond me, since I own and also love Leviathan. Oh well, I have remedied that now.

Runner Up: Toonami - Deep Space Bass. The man responsible for this sweet, sweet, badass instrumental music is Joe Boyd Vigil, and his other non-Toonami stuff is similar and excellent as well. This is another "play in the background while working" album that just kind of washes over you.

Worst Album: Whatever Nickelback put out not too long ago. Yeah. Fuckers. Just when I think they're falling out of style, they come back. Like some sort of venereal disease.

Best Wii Game: Super Smash Bros. Brawl. My friends and I will be playing it for years and years to come, and still probably be unlocking stuff. However…

Favorite Wii Game: No More Heroes. This is like with the movies, Brawl is superior in nearly every way, but No More Heroes touches me in all the right places. Visceral, over the top bloody action, hilarious bosses and story, and more what-the-fuck moments than any other game. Suda51 is my hero for creating this game and its protagonist, Travis Touchdown.

Most Colorful Wii Game: De Blob. Like No More Heroes, this is another underappreciated gem of a game, and will definitely put a smile on your face, unless you hate color or some shit, in which case, go fall in a volcano.

Best Wiiware Game: Megaman 9. Retro awesomeness prevails!

Best DS Game: Professor Layton and the Curious Village. Kept my attention for a very long time, convinced Sierra to buy a DS, and after beating it, I haven't touched the DS since because of how overwhelming it was.

Runner Up: The World Ends With You. One of the few Square Enix games I've beaten, with a story filled with way too many twists, an awesome soundtrack, interesting characters, and an awesome battle system. It had a style all its own.

Best GBA Game (which obviously did not come out this year): Astro Boy: Omega Factor. Treasure makes awesome games, and this is a great beat-'em-up/shooter thing with a surprisingly good story!

Best PS2 Game (which also did not come out this year): God Hand. It's almost just as zany as No More Heroes, has a soundtrack by the same guy who did the music for NMH, and you can make your own combos up for beating the shit out of goons! Also has one of the greatest bosses ever, named Elvis! Perfect for blowing off steam.

Best Game I Haven't Played: Mirror's Edge. But I've played the demo and I have a remix of the theme song!

Best Action Figure: Transformers Animated Grimlock. I love that thing to death.

Best Comic: Welcome to Hoxford. Ben Templesmith's werewolf story is awesome, and introduces Ray Delgado, one of my new favorite comicbook characters ever.

Runner Up: Popgun. Both volumes. Great, great anthologies from a huge number of writers and artists, there's a lot of talent in there.

Best Novel: Um. I didn't buy any new novels this year. Shit. Can I say Crooked Little Vein again? No? Well fuck you, I am anyways. Otherwise, I'll go with Dune, even though it was published in the 60's and I'm not even done reading it yet. Shut up, it's MY best/worst of thing! You can go do your own!

[Brett]

PowerUp Forever

What do Geometry Wars, Panzer Dragoon Orta, Rez and Spore all have in common? Aside from being awesome games, traces of each can be found in PowerUp Forever, the latest top-down shooter on the Xbox Live Arcade.

The gameplay is simple enough - you control a ship, or insect, or microbe, or something (not sure what it's supposed to be) with the left stick, and shoot in any direction with the right. Enemies of all shapes and sizes accost you from every angle, and you've got to destroy as many as possible and survive long enough to complete your objectives.

Said objectives involve destroying, "parasites" in order to "enrage" the "guardian". Once the "guardian" has been "enraged", he shows up to do battle with you. Once the "guardian" is dead, you advance to the next level. Rinse and repeat.

The game is fast paced and addictive in the Geometry Wars fashion, and controls identically. Your weapons are similar, with the inclusion of the rapid fire primary cannon and the doomsday shockwave smart bomb. There are also other weapons you unlock throughout the game, such as a laser guided missile salvo and a bazooka-like single shot cannon. You are also equipped with an elliptical shield, which after being upgraded, can actually redirect enemy fire.

The ship you control has an abstract, starfighter sort of feel to it. As you progress from level to level it morphs and changes, growing larger and sprouting more wings and fins. In my eyes it physically resembles the dragon from Panzer Dragoon Orta.
The music is aquatic, echoic, ethereal, and relaxing, but will also accelerate to an adrenaline inducing techno beat at times when the action because frantic. This, along with the art style used to portray your ship and the enemy Guardians, reminds me of Rez.
The environment seems to be some sort of ocean, or primordial ooze. The creatures you encounter are reminiscent of shrimp, plankton, and assorted crustaceans. As you advance from level to level you seem to be advancing through an evolutionary process. Your ship also increases in size - enemies which dwarfed you three levels prior will be small enough to run over without taking any damage.

Additional game modes are unlocked when certain prerequisites are met within Arcade mode. Guardian Rush pits you against ten Guardians in a row, each stronger than the one before it. Overkill mode starts you in the first level and plays just like the standard game mode, but from the get go you're equipped with all weapon upgrades, making you an unstoppable powerhouse. There are two others, but I haven't played them yet.

The art style is rich and vibrant. The color of the enemies and the environment changes from level to level, and and the explosion and particle effects are gorgeous.

Over all PowerUp Forever is a great addition to any gamer's library. The game is 800 MS Points (That's 10 American Dollars) and a free demo is available on the Xbox Live Arcade. For a top-down shooter, PowerUp forever has a lot of depth, and a lot to offer anyone looking for a rich and simple game to chill out to.



Purchased on 12/25/2008. Spent approx. three hours playing

The Captains Log, Stardate: The Year of the Rat

The year is ending, and this venture is just beginning.
I'm The Captain, and most of you reading at the time I am writing this either know me, or know me by proxy.

I do arts of both the traditional and the computer generated varieties, and with any luck I will have some free time in which to write some proper articles and, hopefully, design a decent logo for us so you can all spend copious amounts of money buying T-shirts and coffee mugs with a nifty little design on them.

Alas, for today my attention span is such that I can only muster a series of tiny articles, otherwise I will most likely deviate and/or ramble.

And so, we begin!

The Legend of Sonic: Twilight Hedgehog

You've all seen the ads. It's a Sonic game with roughly the same premise as Twilight Princess; In the sunlight you are Sonic the Hedgehog (Link), and the game plays exactly as you expect a Sonic (Zelda) game to play, but in the Twilight areas, you turn into a Werehog(?) (Wolf) and therein game deviates.

Oddly enough, though, this game feels more like a Sonic game than either Sonic Adventure or Sonic Heroes.
The Daytime (Sonic) levels are all about speed; you run fast and jump and hit the shortcuts as much as possible, instead of "Find the lost goddamn Pokemon ripoff" or "Hey, how 'bout you don't get to play as Sonic for about seven levels?"
The Nighttime (Werehog) levels are something akin to a kiddie version of Ninja Gaiden; you beat the living Bejeezus out of everything to work your way to the goal while collecting glowing orbs that can give you health, special attacks or upgrades. Yeah there's some basic puzzles, and some jumping about, but nothing so complex a twelve year old with Downs Syndrome wouldn't be able to complete it sooner or later.

At least Sega didn't try to make Sonic the Hedgehog shoot-'em-up.
Oh, wait...

Dick Cheese

I am of course referring to the front man for the lounge piano cover band Lounge Against the Machine, you gutter-minded fool.
You've all probably heard, if nothing else, his famous cover of the "Milkshake song," but I must insist you at least make an attempt to listen to some of his other works.

Dick's major drawing point is his adamant antithesis to the original song, turning U2's "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" into an upbeat Samba, and Metallica's "Enter Sandman" into a jazzy lullaby, complete with the tune of Pat Ballard's "Mr. Sandman" as an a Capella counter-melody.

Go check them out; you'll find a cover of at least one song you like, and you'll enjoy it, too.

Dogs

I prefer cats.


Karma

Yeah, I'm reviewing a goddamn supernatural force. I'm just that hard core.
You all know how it works; What goes around comes around and all that jazz.

I'm not saying Karma's real, but I certainly am not one to rule out the possibility, since I gave my last couple dollars to a homeless guy earlier, then got a ten dollar tip from one guy earlier, when I usually only pull in four or five bucks total by the end of my shift.
Conversely, the bank that screwed me over for BS overdraft fees had to send me an unexpected cheque last week for an unrelated matter.
So yeah, I'd like to think that there's something up there ensuring comeuppance.

Karma gets 2 Thumbs Up if you're a pretty OK guy, and 2 Thumbs Down if you're a dick.

Christmas

Or X-mas, if you're an Atheist who really wants to bastardise someone else's holiday.

I know this doesn't apply everywhere, but it really doesn't feel like Christmas Eve (which it is, at the time of writing). There's not many decorations up in my neighbourhood, my family is out of the country for a couple weeks and, being situated in Florida, it is hot enough to be Summer.
Seriously. I got a sunburn today. A freaking sunburn. In Winter.
But Christmas Eve it is, and in 5 hours and 20 minutes, it will be Christmas.

All in all, I give the holiday a 9 out of 10, because it's something anyone can celebrate, whether for the intended purpose or not. Whether you celebrate by going to midnight mass and praying, or simply by spending time with your family, I'm fairly certain Jesus wouldn't mind non-Christians using his name as a reason to be generous and kind

And I don't want to hear about over-commercialisation. Would any of you genuinely rather sit around with your congregation and sing hymns in Latin than spend time with your family getting presents that have absolutely nothing to do with Jesus or the worshipping thereof?
If so, can you spare a minute to discuss the Church of the Latter Day Saints? We have a Magazine.

No offense to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Ninja

Little bitches need to realise that Pirates are way sexier.

Yes Man

Jim Carrey's return to form was far better than expected, and the trailers promised quite a bit already.

Most people I've talked to got the impression that it was essentially the same as "Liar Liar."
It is, in fact, as similar as it could possibly be to "Liar Liar" whilst simultaneously being completely different.

The film is the quintessential Carrey flick; slapstick humour, a bit of romance, and something of a moral at the end, but the crucial family element of "Liar Liar" is removed, leaving it much more open to the in-your-face comedy seen in films like "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective," with a great supporting cast including Danny Masterson, or Hyde from "That 70's Show" as you all probably know him, and Rhys Darby, Murray the Manager from the HBO series of "Flight of the Conchords."

I say if you go to the movies and want a decent comedy movie, go see it. It's not the piss-yourself-laughing comedy of "The Mask," but it's not the message-heavy semi-comedy of "Bruce Almighty" either. It's a nice little happy medium.
Enjoy.

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia

The hardest Castlevania game in a long time, C:OoE is also the best released since Aria of Sorrow.
A unique system for weapons and spells, combined with a deviation from the traditional layout for "levels" and the first proper female protagonist in a Castlevania game make this game worth buying even disregarding the actual content.
At least, if you're a big fan of Castlevania.

If you aren't, the game is worthwhile because it's fun. Weird little side-quests assigned by quirky villagers, dialogue that probably wasn't written by a thirteen year old this time, a truly kick-ass musical score, graphics that belie its hand held vessel, and, most importantly, levels that present a genuine challenge whilst also providing the ability to complete the challenges, without grinding for experience for hours or hunting for some obscure key in an area four levels back; these elements all make the game worthwhile.

Plus, a hot girl recommended it to me, so I figured it would be worth checking out.

9/10, Gentlemen.

Blogger

I approve. Spell Check doesn't feel the need to attempt to correct me when I use the British spellings of words. Thank you, Google, for being far more tolerant than Facebook.

End

That's it, friends!
Was it enjoyable for you? Because I have no intention of using this format again.
Hopefully you're all content with the others' reviews, because I probably won't post more frequently than once a fortnight, since I am so damn busy all the time.
Enjoy Life, Hombres.

-Captain Nigel

V: The Original Miniseries (1983)

May 1st, 1983. Kenneth Johnson's science fiction franchise is born.

V is a fun, interesting story. It is at its core an alien invasion action-adventure, set in the time period during which it was filmed and released. The story is fairly cliche - large flying saucers (each three miles across) appear in the sky above major cities all round the globe. The world waits with bated breath. Finally the Visitors make contact and assure the human race that they come in peace. They look like us, talk like us, seem friendly enough and... BUT WAIT WHAT ARE THEY HIDING.

Nothing here is likely to surprise you. After a short time it becomes evident that the Visitors aren't so friendly after all, and they swiftly begin to establish a global, totalitarian rule. V was originally meant to be about the rise of a fascist government, a straight forward political thriller, but NBC opted for a sci-fi twist in order to capitalize on the popularity of other modern science fiction sagas, such as the Star Wars trilogy.

Similarities to the true story of the Nazi occupation of Europe are blatant, and likely intentional. From the SS like uniforms of the Visitors, to the corroboration of some humans and the resistance of others, right down to the "Friends of the Visitors", an organization reminiscent of the Hitler Youth. One character prominent in part one of the miniseries is a holocaust survivor, who states in reference to the harboring of fugitives who are being pursued by the Visitors, "We have to help, or else we haven't learned anything."

Moments like these are profound, and emotionally driven in a way that is neither cheesy nor forced. They give significance and meaning to what may otherwise be considered just another alien invasion story.

The special effects are good, with few lapses in quality. The matte paintings which show the saucers hovering in the sky seem to adhere to one of two extremes - laughably fake looking, or exceedingly cool. On moment in particular which sticks in my memory is of a saucer hanging over a large US city, spotlights tracing back and forth from the tops of skyscrapers beneath the ship, while helicopters and small planes orbit beneath the craft.

Explosions, energy blasts and the like are handled reasonably well. Alien weapons and technology are portrayed as standard fare, aren't captivating, but are competent.

V is also rife with memorable moments, such as a high school band playing the John Williams Star Wars theme song as the Visitors land after making first contact. A scene in which the "prosthetic" human face of a visitor is torn away, revealing the aliens true physical form is especially riveting. The reptilian look of the aliens is actually scary in it's presentation, and the makeup effects are top-notch for the period.

V's story focuses primarily on the humans who band together and form a resistance movement. Their early exploits are the vehicle for several action scenes in which they shoot it out with the invaders, and these firefights are fairly convincing. Images of alien attack craft shooting up buildings are campy and dated, but the resulting explosions are very well done.

There are however moments when it becomes painfully obvious that this is 80's sci-fi. The mannerisms, wardrobe, and demeanor of the characters is likely to annoy, especially when paired with the at times sub-par acting. This is a minor complaint though, not likely to ruin the story for anyone.

The original miniseries ended on a cliffhanger, and was followed by V: The Final Battle. I'm hoping to watch it some time during the next week.

If you like aliens, science fiction, campy 80's style cinema, or all of the above, V is worth your time. It's 196 minutes in length, and the DVD comes with several special features. I watched the feature presentation in two nights, and enjoyed nearly every moment of it.

Technopriests, volume 1: Initiation.

Alejandro Jodorowsky is a madman. You may never have heard of him, but he is rather, erm, infamous we shall say, for his bizarre films such as El Topo and the Holy Mountain. I have seen both and they are quite…unique, to say the least. The movies are rife with weird dialogue, filled with symbolism, a bizarre sense of humor, and things that are not for the squeamish.

Imagine my surprise then, when I find out that Jodorowsky left filmmaking to enter the comic book industry as a writer. Whereas film is a rather limited medium, you can do pretty much anything in comics, and Jodorowsky is more than aware of this. Technopriests is merely one of many comics series that the man has written, but this first volume of it is the first I’ve ever seen of anything he’s done and I could not resist it. And, as I was expecting, it was certainly quite weird. Weirder than his movies, actually.

Technopriests is about the life of Albino, an old, um, albino, Technopriest who is recording his life’s story as he travels through space to start a new, utopian society. This first volume details his life up until his teenage years, and all the weird trials and tribulations he went through. It’s pure, unfiltered, mad science fiction, and nearly every page has something new and wholly bizarre to look at, regardless of whether it’s very important to the plot or just some grotesque creature standing in the background. It’s a testament to Jodorowsky’s imagination, the things he comes up with, and credit must go to the two artists Zoran Janjetov and Fred Baltran for actually being able to successfully illustrate whatever Jodorowsky told them to. Every panel of the comic is rich with detail, and Beltran’s computer coloring and effects are exquisitely done. It looks very much like something out of a crazy issue of Heavy Metal Magazine, which really isn’t too far from the truth I’d imagine.

The story is sort of a bizarre epic, like a sci fi comic version of the Odyssey or some such, with Albino being the middle of three children, the other two being his older, grey-skinned brother Almagro and his younger, red-skinned, four-armed sister Onyx. Their mother was a virgin destined to become the oracle of a temple on the Sacred Asteroid, until a space pirate named Ulritch the Red and his gang of pirates showed up, destroyed the place, and raped her. So each kid is from a different father, despite all being born around the same time. No, science does NOT work that way, but it makes for one hell of an interesting mythology, does it not?

And trust me, it just gets weirder and more interesting from there. Albino travels from one school to the next, meeting all sorts of weird people in his quest to become the greatest Technopriest ever, and he also goes back and talks about what was happening to his mother and siblings around the same time. The dialogue and narration are far from realistic, written in a kind of heavy-handed and very dramatic style just like an old myth would be written, and there are some great, bizarre lines such as “please Tinigrifi, lift me out of this Plasma Labyrinth! I just want to get to the beacon that signals octagonal reality!” That one’s my favorite, yes.



My one real complaint about the book is the lettering. The word bubbles are boxes, with the font sometimes being VERY small, and it can be kind of hard to tell who is saying what. It’s rather obvious that they weren’t made with the same care as the art and writing themselves, but I wonder if it’s because of the fact that it’s translated from another language (I have no idea which language that would be, Jodorowsky is multi-lingual after all, but at a guess I’d say perhaps French) or something else.

That one complaint aside, I highly recommend Technopriests if you’re into strange, dramatic science fiction comics. I got lucky in finding this volume, you can check out some random pages from different volumes on Scans Daily, and Amazon brings up a few books, but it seems the best bet would be on Humanoid Publishing’s website.

[Brett]

Welcome To Hoxford

"Ray? Who's Ray? I am Cronos, lord of the Titans."



Back in 2002, a little comic called 30 Days of Night, published by IDW, reared its head and showed its bloody fangs. This series became immensely popular, notably for it's unique take on vampires, and because of the equally unique, atmospheric art, courtesy of Ben Templesmith. 6 years later, Ben's becoming more and more popular a guy in the comics industry, and his latest work, Welcome to Hoxford, certainly shows why.

Written and illustrated by Mr. Templesmith, Welcome to Hoxford is a quick, dirty, 4-issue miniseries revolving around a prison full of mad serial killers and rapists of the most depraved variety. Oh, and the prison is run by Russians who also happen to be werewolves. The story mainly follows Ray Delgado, a former soldier with a fucked up childhood, delusions of being a god, and a habit of biting anyone who happens to be nearby. An unlikely protagonist for a story about werewolves and necrophiliac prisoners, but definitely one of the best comicbook characters I have ever encountered.

This is, if I am not mistaken, the third comic that Templesmith has written, but he clearly has a talent for it. The dialogue is dark and sometimes funny, my favorite scene being at the beginning of the second issue, when Ray has a conversation in his cell with a rat that wanders in, which happens to be his mother. The pacing is pretty much perfect, although the fourth and final issue has a sort of rushed feel to wrap things up. You get the feeling that if he just had another issue or two to work with, there would be a bit more breathing room for the story, but that would also kind of kill the speed of the book a little, I would imagine. This is meant to be pretty quick, and it succeeds at that.

The art is exceptional, which is expected from a guy with one of the most unique styles out there. Templesmith is one of the few people in the comic industry who does all of the artwork himself, coloring and all, and the man deserves an award or three considering his output. The violence is a bit stomach-churning, and the dark, bleak atmosphere is thick, the colors he chooses are perfect for each panel, sticking mostly with somber blues and then bringing out vicious reds and oranges for the more intense moments.

As a fan of comicbooks, this is pretty much the best thing I've read all year. Welcome to Hoxford beats out anything else to come out lately, especially now that I've all but given up on superhero comics from the big two. The final issue just came out last month, and according to Amazon the collected trade paperback edition will be out in March. I heartily recommend it, if only to support such an awesome guy, and to support a smaller publisher that isn't Marvel or DC.

[Brett]

Doritos: Dash of Destruction

"My grandpa said to me once, 'son, it doesn't matter if the horse is blind. Just hook him to the wagon anyway.' I really don't know what he meant by that."

Doritos: Dash of Destruction is a downloadable psuedo-homebrew game, now available on the Xbox Live Arcade. As the title might suggest, the game's apparent purpose is to advertise Doritos.

The game was conceived by medical software programmer Mike Borland in his spare time. Borland appears throughout the game, popping up in between missions to offer a tidbit of irrelevant wisdom (see above) or to upgrade your T Rex or Doritos Truck respectively. The Live Arcade version of the game was developed by the studio NinjaBee. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Advertisement games have been tried on the Live Arcade before, and have never been anything to get excited about. Toyota's Yaris, one of the worst games I've ever played, ever, in my entire life, for all eternity, was released on the Live Arcade for free, and tasked players with driving the titular compact around on roller-coaster highways, shooting robots and small animals with a scorpion tail-like appendage attached to the back of the car. I'm serious. The controls were horrendous and the graphics optically painful.

Dash of Destruction's premise is no more logical. The game is divided into two parts; a Truck Campaign and a T Rex campaign. The T Rex campaign puts you in control of, well, a T Rex, and your objectives include running around (and destroying) cities and eating Doritos delivery trucks ("Because T Rexs like to eat Doritos. Seriously"). Later levels up the challenge by introducing a rival dinosaur for you to compete against.

The truck levels play out the same way, but place you in the role of the delivery driver as opposed to the rampaging dinosaur. You score points by making "deliveries", which basically involves driving into a giant, holographic Dorito before you get eaten too many times.

I played the game for all of twenty minutes, and beat not only both campaigns, but had also earned 190 of the 200 available gamerscore. most of the achievements are awarded for completing campaign objectives, with the only exception being 10GS for winning a multiplayer game.

As I mentioned before, Borland pops up between levels and upgrades your T Rex with cybernetic enhancements, like robotic legs and a nose-blade for cutting through buildings. He also upgrades your Doritos truck with things like nitros tanks and a snow-plow looking deal. By the time I finished the last level my truck looked like a cross between Christopher Nolan's Batmobile and a steam locomotive. The T Rex looked like some horrible experiment gone wrong ("It's not as nature intended, it's better!").

The gameplay is fun, frantic, and ridiculous. The environments are fully destructible, which makes playing as the T Rex a lot of fun. The truck levels aren't as interesting, but are more challenging.

Overall Doritos: Dash of Destruction is a fun, albeit short game, which will more than likely leave you satisfied. You also can't beat the price - it's free. And in the time it took you to read this review, you could have earned about 50GS.

Tideland

An amazing thing, the mind of a child is...


Directed by: Terry Gilliam
Starring: Jodelle Ferland, Jeff Bridges, Brendan Fletcher

I'm going to tell you what the director himself will tell you in a short introduction before the movie: Many of you are not going to like this film. A Southern Gothic yarn about a young girl named Jeliza-Rose, the movie goes to many dark places in a very realistic manner. So, without further ado:

At its core, Tideland is a story of innocence, of the horrific world of Jeliza-Rose's reality refracted (as it so often is) through the lens of childhood. Everything is full of wonder and danger, and imagination rules all. Her only friends are a quartet of Barbie doll heads, which she puts on her fingers and goes on adventures with. Jeliza-Rose is taken by her washed-out, junkie/rock star father to an old, run-down farmhouse in Texas. She meets a strange woman and her mentally damaged brother, and from there, things get weirder and weirder. The increasingly disturbing events wash over Jeliza-Rose as she reinvents her world to better serve her need for escapism. The story is draws parallels to the more recent Guillermo del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth, as a girl with no stake or power in the real world becomes the heroine of her daydreams. That having been said, Tideland is far more realistic than Labyrinth for the most part, and much more unsettling. The apocalyptic finale is one of the best endings to a movie I've seen in years.



The actors are all top-notch talent. You might remember Jodelle Ferland from her later work as Alessa in the Silent Hill screen adaptation. Her portrayal of the innocent and imaginative Jeliza-Rose is second to very few performances I've seen recently. Jeff Bridges brings his wide and considerable talents to the screen as the father, and let me just say his performance for most of the movie is...interesting. I don't want to give everything away up front, but know that this film is weird. Another diamond in the unknown rough is Brendan Fletcher, playing the retarded and epileptic Dickens. I'm not sure how much of a compliment it is to praise an actor for portraying a handicapped person (the Academy does, however), but this guy fucking nails it. The mannerisms, the expressions, the dialogue...everything is perfect with his character.

A hallmark of Gilliam's films is his unflinching commitment to his vision. Tideland continues this tradition with fantastic, surreal cinematography and use of the physical landscape both within the farmhouse and surrounding it. He draws out the decayed beauty of the rustic American South motif, magnified by Jeliza-Rose's perception of it. Even the juxtaposition of the adorable Jodelle against the rotting, almost dystopian backdrop gives the film a vicious bipolar dichotomy that is as much felt as it is seen.



In short, this film is brave and imaginative. After chewing on the same predictable shit for the past couple of years (another summer, another ten romantic comedies), I'm glad I stepped outside my comfort zone and watched something that didn't give a shit about how many seats were sold. Now, my comfort zone is fairly wide, though, so if you consider yourself squeamish with a movie that introduces themes that flirt openly and dangerously with pedophilia and other taboos, this is not the film for you. It won't be the film for most people. For those of you wanting to try something new, and it may involve actual effort, rent something else, try to stick with Tideland to the end, and if you can't at least you've got another movie to fall back on without having to make another trip. Worth watching for the Alice in Wonderland elements, an innocent but unsettling trip through a child's mind, or to impress/disgust that pretentious filmo girl you've been trying to get with/away from.

Dune (2000)

Now with 30% more shai-hulud!

Directed by: John Harrison
Starring: William Hurt, Ian McNeice


Let's not beat around the bush here: the Sci-Fi Channel Dune miniseries is better than the 1984 David Lynch film. Is it much better? [makes high-pitched "eeeeh" noise]

The obvious advantage of converting a book such as Frank Herbert's Dune into a miniseries rather than a movie is that it gives you more time to cram more stuff from the book into it. The writers have, to what I am sure is your great relief, managed to accomplish this. Events unfold at a much more methodical and easy-to-follow pace over the course of the four-hour epic, and we are treated to many scenarios that were either clipped or omitted entirely in a more unabridged format. One major ommission, however, is the knowledge of the traitor Dr. Yueh. While in the book the reader knew from the outset who Yueh was and that he was the betrayer of House Atreides, the miniseries only gives a few chances to ascertain even who Dr. Yueh is. This makes the actual moment of betrayal much less impacting, as you might imagine.

Further removing the impact of the movie are the sets. While I realize that on a television miniseries one only has so much to work with, I feel like something more could have been done to make Arrakis look more open and like a living planet. There are scenes that are so blatantly done against a green screen as to be cringeworthy. It doesn't help that many of the costumes are almost insultingly stupid-looking. I almost prefer the gigantic eyebrows of the Mentats in the 1984 version to the Barney-the-Dinosaur-schemed getup Thufir Hawat dons in the miniseries. Emperor Corrino looks like he's wearing coffee filters on his shoulders in the final scene, and in general the costumes are too gaudy to be taken seriously. A refreshing exception are the stillsuits of the Fremen, which make sense in their design, so much so that one might even be able to guess at their function having not even read the book. Another element of the novels that is gratefully done well is the sandworms, who look completely badass, if a little out of place.

William Hurt is a great actor, and he brings his talents to the character of Duke Leto Atreides, portraying a compassionate, wise and emotional man in great form. The supporting characters are less apt at making their intent and emotions known through their performance, and the movie suffers from it. Ian McNeice plays a far more competent Baron Vladimir Harkonnen than his predecessor, practically disappearing into the role of a scheming, cunning adversary that can actually be quite frightening in his shrewd knowledge of how the game of power is played.

An unusual change from the novel is the addition of an entire subplot starring Princess Irulan, in this rendition played by English actress Julie Cox. Her prominence in the series is meant to set up for her growing role in the coming sequels, but her stiff acting doesn't carry the weight of her character's importance. She seems more like Jasmine from Aladdin, the pampered girl who wants to see outside the walls of the palace garden for once, and that's just not who she is; not in Dune, at least.

It's a fantastic attempt, and it is of course a better adaptation than the Lynch iteration, but it struggles under its budget and its supporting actors. Dune fanatics looking for the Holy Grail might be better off sticking with the books, waiting for a competent director to pick it up and turn it into the desert epic it was meant to be. Worth watching for McNeice's performance as the Baron to scrub McMillan's adaptation from your mind, some truly neat CGI sequences, and Paul Atreides actually owning the fuck out of the powers that be like he was supposed to.

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War

“The Zombie War came unthinkably close to eradicating humanity. Driven by the need to preserve the first hand experiences from those apocalyptic years, while they still exist in living memory, Max Brooks traveled across the planet to find and record the testimony of men, women, and sometimes children who came face to face with the living – or at least, the undead – hell of that terrible time.”



In 2003 The Zombie Survival Guide was published. The tongue-in-cheek “survival manual”, written by Max Brooks, equipped the reader with necessary information on how to endure outbreaks of “Solanum” (the zombie-making disease) to varying degrees of intensity. From isolated incidents to global pandemic, The Zombie Survival Guide contained all the information that a thinking human being would need to avoid being conscripted into the ranks of the undead.


In 2006, World War Z was released, a follow up to Survival Guide in which Max Brooks’ image of the zombie takes on a far darker, more serious tone. The proper title of the volume is World War Z: An Oral History of The Zombie War, and is often abbreviated as WWZ. This review specifically deals with an unabridged audio version of the book.



From the start of the introduction (quoted above) the listener has a pretty good idea of what to expect. This is a book which, while obviously fictional, does an excellent job of convincing you that this stuff actually happened. The story of the Zombie War plays out as a series of interviews with people who managed to survive the plague. Every story is told in the first person, and Brooks does an excellent job of portraying each character as an individual, with their own unique ways of speaking. The use of slang and other defining traits are prominent, and one gets the impression that this is a personal, authentic account.



The audio version stars a full cast of voice actors, featuring Brooks as himself. The stories of foot soldiers, refugees, scientists, and politicians are all conveyed as you think they should be. From the swearing and laid back demeanor of the veteran infantryman(“Yeah, come on Zack, let’s ****in’ do this”), to the practiced English of the Chinese doctor, it becomes easy to immerse yourself in the life of a human being on post-zombie Earth.



One story which I particularly enjoyed was that of an English artist, interviewed while sketching a medieval castle. He talks briefly about castles and their history – what made them useful, and why they were no longer practical as a means of defense against outside attack. He then goes on to tell how many restored castles became refuges during the plague, with hundreds of humans held up inside, fending off Zack (the nickname given to zombies in general) with firearms as long as the ammunition held out. He then explains how when the bullets were all gone, they resorted to using the antique medieval weapons which were on display inside the castle. The man being interviewed expresses his fondness for the claymore, and carries the blade at his side as he recounts his experiences.

This is one example of how Brooks takes the pop-culture zombie and fuses it with the real world. His portrayal of human ingenuity and the will to survive are convincing and intriguing, told in a way that makes you ask yourself, “what would I do?”



Things that you might not have considered previously concerning a zombie outbreak are key points in the story, from religious viewpoints, economic consequences, where one is likely to find safety, and so on, are all examined in a way that gives life to an otherwise overplayed premise. This is not Resident Evil, Shaun of the Dead or I Am Legend. This is all three rolled into one, lacking in neither humor nor epic scale.




If I were to give World War Z a numerical rating, it would be a high one. Little can be found to complain about here, and if you’re a fan of zombie stories, or just cool stuff in general, this is something you’ll want to check out.



(According to Wikipedia, a film adaptation is in the works, and is being produced by Brad Pitt’s Plan B Entertainment. Production is supposedly set to begin sometime during 2009)

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Hold on, let me get some breakfast first...of the Dead


Directed by: Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen)
Starring: Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Mekhi Phifer


George A. Romero is credited with creating the zombie apocalypse genre of film with his seminal 1968 independent flick Night of the Living Dead. He followed Night with Dawn, and then Day. Now, Zack Snyder helms the remake of Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead. Is it good? Does it live up to the expectations of Romero's fanbase? What is this whole zombie apocalypse thing about, anyway. Answers to all these questions and more will be revealed in...Review of the Dawn of the Dead!

The answer to the first question is: Yes, Dawn is an extremely entertaining and at times pulse-pounding ACTION THRILL RIDE like it might say on the back of the DVD case. The slow "shamblers" of the Romero original are replaced by oh-my-fuck-close-the-door "runners" akin to victims of 28 Days Later's rage virus. This lends them a much more concentrated fear factor per individual zombie and makes even single-zombie sequences much more tense. The characters of the film have a kind of distilled realism that is thrown into sharp relief against the unnatural circumstances they are thrust into. Flaws are exposed and put to use to create a great dynamic and chemistry between the survivors. Humor and drama are suitably balanced, with most of the comic relief coming in the form of Steve, who I dub Sir Steve the Douchebag, for his unflinching commitment to being an asshole even in the face of apocalyptic death. The ending, the true ending of the movie, is a refreshing change of pace from the more watered-down and palatable mass-marketed horror endings of our time. Oh wow, hey, the cure is in Vermont! Hooray for God telling me humanity won! Yay humanity!

Visually, the movie excels on almost every level. A change from softer, more cinematic lighting and film technique into a harsher, desaturated and very guerilla-esque shooting style over the course of the picture depicts a confusing and frightening worldwide situation descending into something much more personal and desperate. The makeup on the zombies is painstaking, and a multitude of extras instill the army of undead with real life and energy that's refreshing in the days of overused and overwrought CGI.


One area the film might suffer is in its changing of the Romero style. The original film's shambling zombies represented more of an encroaching, ever-growing, and ultimately inevitable threat, slowly driving barricaded survivors over the edge with tension and grief. What's more, they represented the dog-eat-dog capitalist nature and the oppression of something. Whatever. I'm not sure what the point Romero was trying to make back in 1968 and 1978 was, but I'm sure it is weakened by the change in state of the zombies. Or, perhaps not. The new faster zombies can stand for the blistering pace with which the mass-marketing machine ensnares its consumers, hunting target demographicsdown with ruthless speed. The bites represent turning consumers into marketing platforms themselves effectively killing who they once were, and the rotting flesh represents how the goal of capitalism is ultimately flawed and corrupt. There, you happy? I can draw parallels too.


My main point is that this movie is fun to watch. It might lack whatever subtle symbolism the Romero original had, and its zombies might run fast or whatever, but I'm down for that. That just makes them scarier, and this is a horror movie, so that's a good thing. The movement of the cinematography is subtle and the visuals will impress throughout. Foremost, it will entertain. It's not the smartest film in the world, and it doesn't pretend to be. If you're looking for a great addition to your horror or action library, look no further than Snyder's Dawn of the Dead. Go on, give in to the consumerist agenda...

Punisher War Zone

My friend is a huge fan of the Max Punisher series written by Garth Ennis. He loves the ultraviolence, and he loves the horribly black humor. He is disappointed, though, by the attempts to put Punisher on the big screen, especially the recent adaptation with Thomas Jane and John Travolta in it. So when the first screens and trailers started popping up for Punisher War Zone, in which our gun-happy Frank Castle is played by an older-looking man named Ray Stevenson, he got pretty excited.

From the trailers, it looked like it was trash, just a lot of blood and gore and bad music. So of course, being a fan of such things, I went along with him to see it.

There's not much plot to speak of. There never was much in the comics. Frank Castle's family was killed in the crossfire of a gang shooting going on in the park, and Frank lost his mind, picked up some guns, donned a black shirt with a skull on the front, and started killing every single criminal he came across while avoiding being arrested. Character development? What's that? Sure, we see Frank get all pissed and brooding when he accidently shoots down an undercover FBI agent, and we get to see his softer side when he's around the aforementioned dead FBI guy's wife and daughter, but that's about it. I know my friend does not read the comics for some kind of Shakespearian, life-changing experience. He just wants the blood and violence, and so did I.

That said, this movie is VERY violent, with lots of hilariously gory deaths. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, the guy getting a chair leg shoved through his face early in the movie (it shows the clip in the red band trailer if you look it up) or the guy somersaulting through the air getting blown to pieces by a rocket while his two buddies look on in horror. Both kills seem to defy the laws of physics (as do many of the deaths in this film), but I don't care. There's more to pick from, as the movie has a high bodycount. It's great, and it's entertaining for sick people like myself.

The soundtrack is terrible. There was a particular, childish thing that would play in almost every scene with the little girl, and I wanted to stab my eardrums with something every time I heard it. The heavy metal bits they picked for the soundtrack too are quite terrible. But it's made tolerable by all the gunshots and screaming.

I think Ray Stevenson is the best Punisher role I've encountered. No, I never saw the other two movies (and people forget the 80's Dolph Lundgren movie even happened), but Ray is how I always thought Frank Castle should be: quiet, calculating, swift and to-the-point in his kills, an older man with a sly jet-black sense of humor, and decked out in body armor and guns. Well, okay, the hanging upside-down from a spinning chandelier shooting up mobsters bit in the beginning was a bit too much, but everything else he does, he gets right. The fact that he's a bit older-looking is great, too. And did I mention I like the body armor?

The main villain in this one is Jigsaw, a gangster who got his face ripped to shreds after Frank dropped him into a big...glass recycling machine...thing, and turned it on. Hoo boy was that painful to look at. What exactly it is he's doing isn't clear, something about a new crazy drug and a deal with the Russians, but mostly he's out to get revenge on Punisher for fucking his face up, and he wants to kill the wife and daughter of dead FBI man, thinking they have money that he's missing. Or something. Plot? What's that? That said, the guy who plays Jigsaw puts on a show. He hams it up and, like his fellow gangsters, speaks in the worst clichéd Bronx accent known to man. His brother "Loony Bin Jim" isn't much better, but they're both kind of entertaining. It's just...I was expecting someone more threatening, more vile, someone who actually posed more of a threat to Frank. But then we wouldn't have gotten that wonderful scene of Jigsaw delivering a motivational "let's team up and kill the Punisher" speech to a gang of black thugs while a screen with a billowing American flag plays in the background, and that for me was a highlight of the movie.

All that said, Punisher Warzone is precisely what I was expecting (and hoping for): Ultraviolent, trashy cinema with a lot of dark laughs. It isn't the greatest movie ever, it will not win any awards, unless someone out there offers an award for the greatest amount of terrible neon lighting ever used in a film, which there are copious amounts of.

So it depends on your tastes, but really, you could do a whole lot worse. You could go see Twilight or some shit.

[Brett]

Dune (1984)

Spice must blow...

When Dune (the movie) came out in 1984, fans of Dune (the book) must have been ecstatic. "Oh joy of joys!" they must have said. "What may be the greatest science fiction masterpiece ever written is now coming to the big screen! I will call only my closest friends to accompany me! [uses rotary dial telephone]" I will say this: Back in 1984, this movie must have been amazing. For people who didn't read the book, that is.

Where this movie really shines is in its art direction. The worlds of Caladan, Giedi Prime, Kaitain, and of course Arrakis are painted with a charming vibrancy that really makes them pop. While watching, I wasn't thinking to myself "Hey, that's not what that should look like..." Aesthetically, everything seems to make sense. It's still got that slightly goofy "I'm an eighties movie, deal with it" sheen or whatever, but still, it's a feast for the eyes.

How nutritional that meal might be, however, is something your mind will ponder almost constantly while your eyes are eating. The writing is a fairly faithful transcript of what parts of the novel make it into the film, but the actors deliver their lines with somewhat less than the energy and grace you might think a work of this magnitude demands. The stilted inner monologues do little to relieve the pain: while Paul Atreides saying "Arrakis...Dune...desert planet" in the book is just something that people do in books, on film it sounds silly and forced. It might be a problem of acting, and that's another problem altogether. The movie sets itself up quite nicely in its first half, then crams all the rest of the book together in the second half, making it unclear and hard to follow. A note must also be made about the soundtrack: electric guitar and does not mesh with the scope of Frank Herbert's epic.

As for the cast, it's a mixed bunch of nuts here (OhohoHOHOHO I'm such a fag). Virginia Madsen opens the movie with a monologue as Princess Irulan (daughter of the Padishah Emperor Shaddam Corrino IV, but you probably don't give a shit about any of that, you godless heathen). While beautiful and soft-spoken, her delivery suffers under the epic nature of the words she's saying. Francesca Annis is resplendent as Lady Jessica and might be the best actress in the production. She delivers her lines with a whispering, almost erotic tone that is in no way painful to listen to. Those of you waiting to learn how Patrick Stewart brings the troubadour-warrior Gurney Halleck to life...keep waiting. He had more lines in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and he was only in that game for about four minutes. I suppose some Picard is better than no Picard at all, though. Other characters are also portrayed by actors, but I'm sure you don't care—wait. Forgot. Sting is in it. He plays Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen. His most thought-provoking line in the movie is, and I quote: "I'll kill you!"

What really sets this movie up in flames for me, though, is the ways in which it differs from the novel. Baron Harkonnen may have been a pig, but Lynch's antagonist is a shallow, even bumbling man, and not the sort one would think capable of enacting such a plot against House Atreides. To further weaken his stature as a worthy adversary, the makers of the film also decided to give him the ability to zoom around on his weight-carrying suspensors like some kind of Goddamned winged monkey of Oz, cackling like he's the Wicked Witch of the West. They also added some bizarre skin condition that has no bearing whatsoever on the plot or even Harkonnen himself. When an aide of the Atreides is captured and poisoned with a gradual toxin, he is told that he must—and I cannot express enough that I am not kidding—milk a cat every day for the antidote. The members of House Harkonnen are portrayed as bloodthirsty, rambunctious swine with a propensity for the vulgar. They are completely devoid of any subtlety they had in the novel, and this weakens their effectiveness at being serious villains. The Weirding Way has shifted from a supernatural martial art to a kind of sound-amplifying ray gun, which would be neat if the movie were called Sand, or Sound, even. But not fucking Dune. They had their reasons, I'm sure, but I'm also sure their reasons were dumb.

It's a worthy shot, but it doesn't live up to the depth and breadth of the book. It's difficult to even attempt it, and it must be applauded for succeeding where it does. The visuals and the performances of the better actors are held back by the stilted delivery of the main characters and needless deviations from the source material, giving it a very middle-child set of growing pains. Fans of the book will be disappointed by the changes and omissions, but outsiders trying to experience the movie as a movie rather than an adaptation will find themselves lost in the muddy plot and abrupt thematic shifts. Basically, everyone will just be scratching their heads, muttering "What the hell? I don't understand." Worth watching once for the prettiness, the old-school sci-fi aesthetic, and also to say you have and to make fun of the worse parts of it.

Prince(cess?) of Persia

Ah, the Canadians. They’re at it again. And no, it isn’t syrup or hockey. The folks out of the Ubisoft studio in Montreal have given birth to the latest iteration of their Prince of Persia franchise. We’ve come a long way from the original Prince of Persia for the Apple II, which is now also available on both the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3 as downloadable blasts from the past. Yes, we are leaps and bounds ahead of the old rotoscoped filmed animations of the 2D prince, and now we find ourselves with a cell-shaded, rather pretty looking 3D game that has promised to trump the previous two versions which left a little to be desired here and there.


The new game, simply titled Prince of Persia, serves as another reboot of the series, leaving behind the story of the Sands of Time. It plops us into the sandals of a rather stark contrast to the protagonist’s predecessor, who was very dark and almost menacing. Instead, we have a wise cracking, greedy, in-search-for-ass (of the donkey and princess variety alike) Prince who can’t be older than twenty-one. He hearkened forth memories of Disney’s Aladdin, actually. Now, at first this turned me off a bit. I slowly got used to his one liners however, and as the game progressed, they began growing on me and many were actually pretty funny. Anyhow, on with the game’s plot.

After losing his gold-bearing donkey Farrah in a terrible sand storm, the Prince finds himself in unknown territory. He runs into an attractive woman, Elika, running through the desert being chased down by her father, who is the King, and his guards. The exact reason why she is running from them doesn’t become entirely clear, but with the Prince’s help, she arrives at the Temple and Tree of Life, the prison of the God of Darkness Ahriman, who was put there by the God of Light Orzmand*. Her father has already arrived at the temple, and destroys the tree, releasing the god from his confines, spreading his smoker’s-lung gunk and goo across the region. It is now the Prince’s responsibility to take Elika to all the fertile grounds that have now been corrupted, allowing her to heal them and collecting up Light Seeds to regenerate all the power she expends doing so. Should you succeed, Ahriman will be re-imprisoned.


The game provides you with choices when it comes to where you want to start your adventure. The basic mechanic has you traveling to these fertile grounds, and unlocking powers that in turn unlock more fertile grounds to travel to and to heal. At each section of the map, there is a particularly devilish henchman to Ahriman doing his dirty work and resisting your efforts as best they can manage. The fighting system is pretty solid but before long you realize there is only one combo that really works particularly well on your enemy combatants. The combo doesn’t even involve the Prince using his sword but instead involves Elika using her magic to deal damage to your foes. It kind of makes one wonder if the Prince is really all that necessary. Princess of Persia, anyone?

The acrobatic moves are solid, making heavy use of the all purpose A button on the Xbox 360. They do attempt to break the monotony by requiring a different button for using rings attached to the walls, and another button to activate your unlocked powers when you approach the opportunity, so it does keep you on your toes. Should you miss a button press or jump in the wrong direction, however, your princess will use her powers to catch you and toss you back up to the last flat surface you were standing on. There is no real way to die in this game, because whether it’s falling off a cliff or coming under the sword of an enemy, she will just bring you back with little penalty.

In the first hours, it becomes apparent you will never face more than one foe at a time, which is somewhat disappointing. The multi-enemy combat situations found in the Sands of Time Trilogy were exciting and I wish they could have implemented it here. In fact, there are no real free-roaming enemies, virtually only the boss battles in different settings and varying difficulty levels, since you fight the same boss repeatedly in each section of the map.

I can see where the fertile ground healing can get old, because after my first three, realizing there was no less than forty more to do, I was growing weary. Perhaps the boss battles and unlocked powers of Orzmand show variety later in the game.


The graphic style has been revamped, making use of cell shading technology, but the imagery is so detailed that you sometimes forget all about the cell shading. The world is open and free to roam, though you can teleport back to places you’ve already healed to cut down on the long treks through the desert. You have the opportunity to stop and poke and prod into Elika’s personal life, and through this you discover little gems early in the game, like Orzmand has been missing ever since he imprisoned Ahriman, that they are brothers, and at the end you uncover exactly why Elika’s father purposefully released the dark lord. Wikipedia holds this massive spoiler, so look if you dare. Indeed, The story smells ripe of a twist ending from your very first conversations with Elika.

Overall, this game did have me attached, but not attached enough to want to travel to all the corrupted pieces of land and re-imprison the great God of Darkness. Unfortunately, I think it is a step in the wrong direction for the series, because I can honestly say I had much more fun playing Warrior Within, despite my copy of the game having a fatal bug that disallowed you from finishing the final level of the game.

I’d definitely recommend this one as rent, but nothing more, as there appears to be zero replay value once you’ve completed the game’s objectives, but that is typical of Prince of Persia titles. They tried their damnedest, but alas they fell a bit short of expectations.

Stay tuned for a review on the horror shooter, Dead Space, in the coming week!

*Ahriman is a shout out to the God of Destructiveness found in the traditional Zoroastrian religion, while Orzmand is a bastardization of the name “Ohrmuzd”, who is the creator and exact opposite of Ahriman. Apparently, Ahriman is also the creator of Jeh, a primal whore who afflicts woman-kind with their menstrual cycle. Hmm. The More You Know, I guess.

"Twilight Over" (first published Dec. 8, 2008)

Alright. So here's the deal.

Twilight is a decent book. It's not bad.

Stephanie Meyer does an excellent job of painting her protagonist - and perhaps teenage girls as a species - as being whiny, dependent, needy, fickle, and bi-polar. While this may be an accurate portrayal (hahahahaha), the book suffers under the reader's constant need to tell Bella to shut up and stop being annoying. I personally shouted, "Stop complaining! You had a good day! You made friends! Get over yourself!"

I bear no illusions; Twilight is juvenile fiction, aimed at teenage girls. It becomes painfully, agonizingly obvious about ten minutes in, that you are not a member of the target demographic. I tend to think if I had been, I'd feel guilty.

I got the distinct impression that Twilight was Meyer's way of living out some girlhood fantasy. It's easy to see why the series gained such notoriety so quickly, and equally easy to understand the ire it draws from folks like... well, like us.

All that said, Meyer's image of the vampire is a refreshing departure from the archetypal metamorphosing count, with his narrow eyebrows, fangs, and lethal allergy to sunlight. Perhaps it's been done before - I don't know, I'm not into vampires - but she does a pretty good job of presenting it. The segments wherein the reader finds out about the Cullen family, how they live and where they come from, are where the novel truly shines (for me anyway), and in their own right, may be reason enough for you to give this dark tome a read. Unfortunately, any person hoping to enjoy said segments will be forced to wade through passage after passage of unbelievable, cheesy, overly sentimental romantics that sound like they were conjured up by a Jonas Brothers superfan. I lost count, but it seemed to me that Bella (I loathe this name. Loathe it) and Edward had pledged their eternal love to each other after dating for, like, a week. I could be wrong though, I spaced out a lot.

As far as pacing and flow, the story moves along at a decent clip. It drags in the middle, again due to the, "Edward's face was perfect and beautiful and I blah blah blah", which is consistent throughout. The story is told first person, which does nothing to diminish the irritating scent of teen.

There are some decent action scenes (not sure what the proper term would be here), but again, as we're forced to endure the story through Bella's eyes, we get only flickering glimpses of what the Cullens and their ilk are capable of. The protagonist's recalling of said events usually consist of, "it happened so fast and suddenly they/he/it was/were there/gone/over/the milk was sour." On the one hand, it gives the story a realistic feel; if you've ever been in a car accident or been attacked by an animal (stay away from goats, friends. Trust me) then you know how fast that ruckus goes down. Meyer's presentation of fast action plays out in such a way, and has that car accident feel. On the other hand, it feels like a copout. I felt cheated. I wanted more vampires killing stuff and each other, and felt like the only reason there wasn't more of it was because Meyer didn't know how to write it.
Of course this isn't the case, as this isn't the focus of the story. Twilight's primary purpose is to tell a love story, and considering the target audience, it does a pretty good job.

Also, this, "superbaseball" thing? It's actually sort of cool. The description of the event is one of the better ones in the book, and it's not a huge part of the story. I also don't believe it was ever actually called, "superbaseball". Perhaps I spaced out while the name was used, but I'm almost certain that the term was coined by the fans.

All in all, Twilight has something to offer. Whether or not you like it is dependent on your ability to tolerate teenage girls (both the ones in the book, and the real ones who seem to think the volume is on par with Dune).
If you don't let the fangirls ruin it for you, you might enjoy Twilight. Though if you pass the book up altogether, you probably won't be much worse for the lack.

I don't plan on reading the rest of the series. I read plot summaries and didn't find much to get excited about. Parts of the latter three books sounded interesting, but not enough to endure more emotional jibberjabber poopycock. I have to go teach a Karate class.

AND ALL WAS WELL

THIS IS A TEST, IT IS GOOD