Abreviewation: 2079

2079 is a top-down shooter available exclusively on the iPhone and iPod Touch. It plays like any other shooter of it's type, pitting you up against wave after wave of enemies in a boxed in environment. Using the touch screen to aim and shoot, and the accelerometer (tilting the device) to move, the game controls well, and fans of games like Geometry Wars will have little to no trouble getting the hang of it. The game is great as a pick-up-and-play, with its simple mechanics and arcade like presentation. 2079 is available right now on the iTunes App Store for $0.99, making it a worthwhile and affordable addition to your inventory of time wasters.

Brett's Best/Worst Of 2008 Picks!

I did this last year, so let's have another go at it:

Best Movie: Undoubtedly the Dark Knight. Do I really need to explain why? Heath Ledger steals the show as the Joker, and of course, anything with Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman in it is gold. However, it's not my favorite. That goes to…

Favorite Movie: Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Don't act like you're surprised! It's the only movie I've seen in theaters 3 times, and for damn good reason. Guillermo del Toro is probably my second-favorite director, and the film's an excellent example of why: lots and lots and lots of IMAGINATION. The movie is packed full of creatures, the majority of which are guys in suits, puppets, and animatronics, the sets are spectacular, and the action is great. Plus, the movie's damn hilarious. Sorry Batman, but ol' Red is my favorite comicbook character.

Runner Up: Iron Man. IT'S TECHPR0N. With Robert Downey Jr. and the Dude!

Favorite Movie that DIDN'T come out this year that I saw for the first time: Stalker. Which was made in the 70's. It's a beautiful movie.

Runner Up: Primer, for being time travel done in an interesting way. And for being a lot like Pi.

Most Violent Movie: Punisher War Zone. Hands down.

Most Schizophrenic Movie: Doomsday. Seriously, from some kind of 28 Days Later thing to espionage to Mad Max to Lord of the Rings and more. This movie is INSANE. And I love it.

Best DVD: Hellboy II. Yep.

Best Trailer: Watchmen. The first one. Had me on the edge of my seat, my jaw on the floor, muttering "oh my God" over and over again. And then I went home and watched it like, 30 more times. It stuck with me more than the Dark Knight itself, man.

Runner Up: Black Dynamite! Because it was so damn hilarious.

Best Giant Monster Movie: The only one. Cloverfield. Though Hellboy II DID have the elemental…

Best Movie I Didn't See: Eden Log. Foreign sci fi thriller thing!

Worst Movie I Didn't See: Meet Dave, probably. Or any one of those parody movies, I forget which ones came out this year and which didn't, they all run together like a river of shit…Oh, and Twilight!

Best Album: The Mars Volta - The Bedlam in Goliath. After their third album, Amputechture, being so disappointing, this was a breath of fresh air and more of that psychotic, surreal wonder that encapsulates what the Mars Volta is. This is what brought them back to being my favorite band ever.

Runners Up: Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts I-IV. Okay, I haven't listened to many other new albums, but once I got my hands on this in its entirety, I played the hell out of it. 36 instrumental tracks for 5 bucks, close to 2 hours of music, and it's wonderful stuff to just zone out and work to. Also Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!! First complete album of his that I've gotten, and it's wonderful. I love that Australian man to death.

Best Soundtrack: Repo! The Genetic Opera. YESSSSS. I have Kat to thank for this, and CJ too since I think he and his girlfriend got her into it. So yes! Rock opera!

Runner Up: Monkey: Journey to the West. Another opera, from the men who created the Gorillaz, Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett. I love those guys.

Best Album that didn't come out this year: Mastodon - Blood Mountain. Fucking badass metal, I love those guys. Why I didn't get it when it came out in 2006 is beyond me, since I own and also love Leviathan. Oh well, I have remedied that now.

Runner Up: Toonami - Deep Space Bass. The man responsible for this sweet, sweet, badass instrumental music is Joe Boyd Vigil, and his other non-Toonami stuff is similar and excellent as well. This is another "play in the background while working" album that just kind of washes over you.

Worst Album: Whatever Nickelback put out not too long ago. Yeah. Fuckers. Just when I think they're falling out of style, they come back. Like some sort of venereal disease.

Best Wii Game: Super Smash Bros. Brawl. My friends and I will be playing it for years and years to come, and still probably be unlocking stuff. However…

Favorite Wii Game: No More Heroes. This is like with the movies, Brawl is superior in nearly every way, but No More Heroes touches me in all the right places. Visceral, over the top bloody action, hilarious bosses and story, and more what-the-fuck moments than any other game. Suda51 is my hero for creating this game and its protagonist, Travis Touchdown.

Most Colorful Wii Game: De Blob. Like No More Heroes, this is another underappreciated gem of a game, and will definitely put a smile on your face, unless you hate color or some shit, in which case, go fall in a volcano.

Best Wiiware Game: Megaman 9. Retro awesomeness prevails!

Best DS Game: Professor Layton and the Curious Village. Kept my attention for a very long time, convinced Sierra to buy a DS, and after beating it, I haven't touched the DS since because of how overwhelming it was.

Runner Up: The World Ends With You. One of the few Square Enix games I've beaten, with a story filled with way too many twists, an awesome soundtrack, interesting characters, and an awesome battle system. It had a style all its own.

Best GBA Game (which obviously did not come out this year): Astro Boy: Omega Factor. Treasure makes awesome games, and this is a great beat-'em-up/shooter thing with a surprisingly good story!

Best PS2 Game (which also did not come out this year): God Hand. It's almost just as zany as No More Heroes, has a soundtrack by the same guy who did the music for NMH, and you can make your own combos up for beating the shit out of goons! Also has one of the greatest bosses ever, named Elvis! Perfect for blowing off steam.

Best Game I Haven't Played: Mirror's Edge. But I've played the demo and I have a remix of the theme song!

Best Action Figure: Transformers Animated Grimlock. I love that thing to death.

Best Comic: Welcome to Hoxford. Ben Templesmith's werewolf story is awesome, and introduces Ray Delgado, one of my new favorite comicbook characters ever.

Runner Up: Popgun. Both volumes. Great, great anthologies from a huge number of writers and artists, there's a lot of talent in there.

Best Novel: Um. I didn't buy any new novels this year. Shit. Can I say Crooked Little Vein again? No? Well fuck you, I am anyways. Otherwise, I'll go with Dune, even though it was published in the 60's and I'm not even done reading it yet. Shut up, it's MY best/worst of thing! You can go do your own!

[Brett]

PowerUp Forever

What do Geometry Wars, Panzer Dragoon Orta, Rez and Spore all have in common? Aside from being awesome games, traces of each can be found in PowerUp Forever, the latest top-down shooter on the Xbox Live Arcade.

The gameplay is simple enough - you control a ship, or insect, or microbe, or something (not sure what it's supposed to be) with the left stick, and shoot in any direction with the right. Enemies of all shapes and sizes accost you from every angle, and you've got to destroy as many as possible and survive long enough to complete your objectives.

Said objectives involve destroying, "parasites" in order to "enrage" the "guardian". Once the "guardian" has been "enraged", he shows up to do battle with you. Once the "guardian" is dead, you advance to the next level. Rinse and repeat.

The game is fast paced and addictive in the Geometry Wars fashion, and controls identically. Your weapons are similar, with the inclusion of the rapid fire primary cannon and the doomsday shockwave smart bomb. There are also other weapons you unlock throughout the game, such as a laser guided missile salvo and a bazooka-like single shot cannon. You are also equipped with an elliptical shield, which after being upgraded, can actually redirect enemy fire.

The ship you control has an abstract, starfighter sort of feel to it. As you progress from level to level it morphs and changes, growing larger and sprouting more wings and fins. In my eyes it physically resembles the dragon from Panzer Dragoon Orta.
The music is aquatic, echoic, ethereal, and relaxing, but will also accelerate to an adrenaline inducing techno beat at times when the action because frantic. This, along with the art style used to portray your ship and the enemy Guardians, reminds me of Rez.
The environment seems to be some sort of ocean, or primordial ooze. The creatures you encounter are reminiscent of shrimp, plankton, and assorted crustaceans. As you advance from level to level you seem to be advancing through an evolutionary process. Your ship also increases in size - enemies which dwarfed you three levels prior will be small enough to run over without taking any damage.

Additional game modes are unlocked when certain prerequisites are met within Arcade mode. Guardian Rush pits you against ten Guardians in a row, each stronger than the one before it. Overkill mode starts you in the first level and plays just like the standard game mode, but from the get go you're equipped with all weapon upgrades, making you an unstoppable powerhouse. There are two others, but I haven't played them yet.

The art style is rich and vibrant. The color of the enemies and the environment changes from level to level, and and the explosion and particle effects are gorgeous.

Over all PowerUp Forever is a great addition to any gamer's library. The game is 800 MS Points (That's 10 American Dollars) and a free demo is available on the Xbox Live Arcade. For a top-down shooter, PowerUp forever has a lot of depth, and a lot to offer anyone looking for a rich and simple game to chill out to.



Purchased on 12/25/2008. Spent approx. three hours playing

The Captains Log, Stardate: The Year of the Rat

The year is ending, and this venture is just beginning.
I'm The Captain, and most of you reading at the time I am writing this either know me, or know me by proxy.

I do arts of both the traditional and the computer generated varieties, and with any luck I will have some free time in which to write some proper articles and, hopefully, design a decent logo for us so you can all spend copious amounts of money buying T-shirts and coffee mugs with a nifty little design on them.

Alas, for today my attention span is such that I can only muster a series of tiny articles, otherwise I will most likely deviate and/or ramble.

And so, we begin!

The Legend of Sonic: Twilight Hedgehog

You've all seen the ads. It's a Sonic game with roughly the same premise as Twilight Princess; In the sunlight you are Sonic the Hedgehog (Link), and the game plays exactly as you expect a Sonic (Zelda) game to play, but in the Twilight areas, you turn into a Werehog(?) (Wolf) and therein game deviates.

Oddly enough, though, this game feels more like a Sonic game than either Sonic Adventure or Sonic Heroes.
The Daytime (Sonic) levels are all about speed; you run fast and jump and hit the shortcuts as much as possible, instead of "Find the lost goddamn Pokemon ripoff" or "Hey, how 'bout you don't get to play as Sonic for about seven levels?"
The Nighttime (Werehog) levels are something akin to a kiddie version of Ninja Gaiden; you beat the living Bejeezus out of everything to work your way to the goal while collecting glowing orbs that can give you health, special attacks or upgrades. Yeah there's some basic puzzles, and some jumping about, but nothing so complex a twelve year old with Downs Syndrome wouldn't be able to complete it sooner or later.

At least Sega didn't try to make Sonic the Hedgehog shoot-'em-up.
Oh, wait...

Dick Cheese

I am of course referring to the front man for the lounge piano cover band Lounge Against the Machine, you gutter-minded fool.
You've all probably heard, if nothing else, his famous cover of the "Milkshake song," but I must insist you at least make an attempt to listen to some of his other works.

Dick's major drawing point is his adamant antithesis to the original song, turning U2's "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" into an upbeat Samba, and Metallica's "Enter Sandman" into a jazzy lullaby, complete with the tune of Pat Ballard's "Mr. Sandman" as an a Capella counter-melody.

Go check them out; you'll find a cover of at least one song you like, and you'll enjoy it, too.

Dogs

I prefer cats.


Karma

Yeah, I'm reviewing a goddamn supernatural force. I'm just that hard core.
You all know how it works; What goes around comes around and all that jazz.

I'm not saying Karma's real, but I certainly am not one to rule out the possibility, since I gave my last couple dollars to a homeless guy earlier, then got a ten dollar tip from one guy earlier, when I usually only pull in four or five bucks total by the end of my shift.
Conversely, the bank that screwed me over for BS overdraft fees had to send me an unexpected cheque last week for an unrelated matter.
So yeah, I'd like to think that there's something up there ensuring comeuppance.

Karma gets 2 Thumbs Up if you're a pretty OK guy, and 2 Thumbs Down if you're a dick.

Christmas

Or X-mas, if you're an Atheist who really wants to bastardise someone else's holiday.

I know this doesn't apply everywhere, but it really doesn't feel like Christmas Eve (which it is, at the time of writing). There's not many decorations up in my neighbourhood, my family is out of the country for a couple weeks and, being situated in Florida, it is hot enough to be Summer.
Seriously. I got a sunburn today. A freaking sunburn. In Winter.
But Christmas Eve it is, and in 5 hours and 20 minutes, it will be Christmas.

All in all, I give the holiday a 9 out of 10, because it's something anyone can celebrate, whether for the intended purpose or not. Whether you celebrate by going to midnight mass and praying, or simply by spending time with your family, I'm fairly certain Jesus wouldn't mind non-Christians using his name as a reason to be generous and kind

And I don't want to hear about over-commercialisation. Would any of you genuinely rather sit around with your congregation and sing hymns in Latin than spend time with your family getting presents that have absolutely nothing to do with Jesus or the worshipping thereof?
If so, can you spare a minute to discuss the Church of the Latter Day Saints? We have a Magazine.

No offense to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Ninja

Little bitches need to realise that Pirates are way sexier.

Yes Man

Jim Carrey's return to form was far better than expected, and the trailers promised quite a bit already.

Most people I've talked to got the impression that it was essentially the same as "Liar Liar."
It is, in fact, as similar as it could possibly be to "Liar Liar" whilst simultaneously being completely different.

The film is the quintessential Carrey flick; slapstick humour, a bit of romance, and something of a moral at the end, but the crucial family element of "Liar Liar" is removed, leaving it much more open to the in-your-face comedy seen in films like "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective," with a great supporting cast including Danny Masterson, or Hyde from "That 70's Show" as you all probably know him, and Rhys Darby, Murray the Manager from the HBO series of "Flight of the Conchords."

I say if you go to the movies and want a decent comedy movie, go see it. It's not the piss-yourself-laughing comedy of "The Mask," but it's not the message-heavy semi-comedy of "Bruce Almighty" either. It's a nice little happy medium.
Enjoy.

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia

The hardest Castlevania game in a long time, C:OoE is also the best released since Aria of Sorrow.
A unique system for weapons and spells, combined with a deviation from the traditional layout for "levels" and the first proper female protagonist in a Castlevania game make this game worth buying even disregarding the actual content.
At least, if you're a big fan of Castlevania.

If you aren't, the game is worthwhile because it's fun. Weird little side-quests assigned by quirky villagers, dialogue that probably wasn't written by a thirteen year old this time, a truly kick-ass musical score, graphics that belie its hand held vessel, and, most importantly, levels that present a genuine challenge whilst also providing the ability to complete the challenges, without grinding for experience for hours or hunting for some obscure key in an area four levels back; these elements all make the game worthwhile.

Plus, a hot girl recommended it to me, so I figured it would be worth checking out.

9/10, Gentlemen.

Blogger

I approve. Spell Check doesn't feel the need to attempt to correct me when I use the British spellings of words. Thank you, Google, for being far more tolerant than Facebook.

End

That's it, friends!
Was it enjoyable for you? Because I have no intention of using this format again.
Hopefully you're all content with the others' reviews, because I probably won't post more frequently than once a fortnight, since I am so damn busy all the time.
Enjoy Life, Hombres.

-Captain Nigel

V: The Original Miniseries (1983)

May 1st, 1983. Kenneth Johnson's science fiction franchise is born.

V is a fun, interesting story. It is at its core an alien invasion action-adventure, set in the time period during which it was filmed and released. The story is fairly cliche - large flying saucers (each three miles across) appear in the sky above major cities all round the globe. The world waits with bated breath. Finally the Visitors make contact and assure the human race that they come in peace. They look like us, talk like us, seem friendly enough and... BUT WAIT WHAT ARE THEY HIDING.

Nothing here is likely to surprise you. After a short time it becomes evident that the Visitors aren't so friendly after all, and they swiftly begin to establish a global, totalitarian rule. V was originally meant to be about the rise of a fascist government, a straight forward political thriller, but NBC opted for a sci-fi twist in order to capitalize on the popularity of other modern science fiction sagas, such as the Star Wars trilogy.

Similarities to the true story of the Nazi occupation of Europe are blatant, and likely intentional. From the SS like uniforms of the Visitors, to the corroboration of some humans and the resistance of others, right down to the "Friends of the Visitors", an organization reminiscent of the Hitler Youth. One character prominent in part one of the miniseries is a holocaust survivor, who states in reference to the harboring of fugitives who are being pursued by the Visitors, "We have to help, or else we haven't learned anything."

Moments like these are profound, and emotionally driven in a way that is neither cheesy nor forced. They give significance and meaning to what may otherwise be considered just another alien invasion story.

The special effects are good, with few lapses in quality. The matte paintings which show the saucers hovering in the sky seem to adhere to one of two extremes - laughably fake looking, or exceedingly cool. On moment in particular which sticks in my memory is of a saucer hanging over a large US city, spotlights tracing back and forth from the tops of skyscrapers beneath the ship, while helicopters and small planes orbit beneath the craft.

Explosions, energy blasts and the like are handled reasonably well. Alien weapons and technology are portrayed as standard fare, aren't captivating, but are competent.

V is also rife with memorable moments, such as a high school band playing the John Williams Star Wars theme song as the Visitors land after making first contact. A scene in which the "prosthetic" human face of a visitor is torn away, revealing the aliens true physical form is especially riveting. The reptilian look of the aliens is actually scary in it's presentation, and the makeup effects are top-notch for the period.

V's story focuses primarily on the humans who band together and form a resistance movement. Their early exploits are the vehicle for several action scenes in which they shoot it out with the invaders, and these firefights are fairly convincing. Images of alien attack craft shooting up buildings are campy and dated, but the resulting explosions are very well done.

There are however moments when it becomes painfully obvious that this is 80's sci-fi. The mannerisms, wardrobe, and demeanor of the characters is likely to annoy, especially when paired with the at times sub-par acting. This is a minor complaint though, not likely to ruin the story for anyone.

The original miniseries ended on a cliffhanger, and was followed by V: The Final Battle. I'm hoping to watch it some time during the next week.

If you like aliens, science fiction, campy 80's style cinema, or all of the above, V is worth your time. It's 196 minutes in length, and the DVD comes with several special features. I watched the feature presentation in two nights, and enjoyed nearly every moment of it.

Technopriests, volume 1: Initiation.

Alejandro Jodorowsky is a madman. You may never have heard of him, but he is rather, erm, infamous we shall say, for his bizarre films such as El Topo and the Holy Mountain. I have seen both and they are quite…unique, to say the least. The movies are rife with weird dialogue, filled with symbolism, a bizarre sense of humor, and things that are not for the squeamish.

Imagine my surprise then, when I find out that Jodorowsky left filmmaking to enter the comic book industry as a writer. Whereas film is a rather limited medium, you can do pretty much anything in comics, and Jodorowsky is more than aware of this. Technopriests is merely one of many comics series that the man has written, but this first volume of it is the first I’ve ever seen of anything he’s done and I could not resist it. And, as I was expecting, it was certainly quite weird. Weirder than his movies, actually.

Technopriests is about the life of Albino, an old, um, albino, Technopriest who is recording his life’s story as he travels through space to start a new, utopian society. This first volume details his life up until his teenage years, and all the weird trials and tribulations he went through. It’s pure, unfiltered, mad science fiction, and nearly every page has something new and wholly bizarre to look at, regardless of whether it’s very important to the plot or just some grotesque creature standing in the background. It’s a testament to Jodorowsky’s imagination, the things he comes up with, and credit must go to the two artists Zoran Janjetov and Fred Baltran for actually being able to successfully illustrate whatever Jodorowsky told them to. Every panel of the comic is rich with detail, and Beltran’s computer coloring and effects are exquisitely done. It looks very much like something out of a crazy issue of Heavy Metal Magazine, which really isn’t too far from the truth I’d imagine.

The story is sort of a bizarre epic, like a sci fi comic version of the Odyssey or some such, with Albino being the middle of three children, the other two being his older, grey-skinned brother Almagro and his younger, red-skinned, four-armed sister Onyx. Their mother was a virgin destined to become the oracle of a temple on the Sacred Asteroid, until a space pirate named Ulritch the Red and his gang of pirates showed up, destroyed the place, and raped her. So each kid is from a different father, despite all being born around the same time. No, science does NOT work that way, but it makes for one hell of an interesting mythology, does it not?

And trust me, it just gets weirder and more interesting from there. Albino travels from one school to the next, meeting all sorts of weird people in his quest to become the greatest Technopriest ever, and he also goes back and talks about what was happening to his mother and siblings around the same time. The dialogue and narration are far from realistic, written in a kind of heavy-handed and very dramatic style just like an old myth would be written, and there are some great, bizarre lines such as “please Tinigrifi, lift me out of this Plasma Labyrinth! I just want to get to the beacon that signals octagonal reality!” That one’s my favorite, yes.



My one real complaint about the book is the lettering. The word bubbles are boxes, with the font sometimes being VERY small, and it can be kind of hard to tell who is saying what. It’s rather obvious that they weren’t made with the same care as the art and writing themselves, but I wonder if it’s because of the fact that it’s translated from another language (I have no idea which language that would be, Jodorowsky is multi-lingual after all, but at a guess I’d say perhaps French) or something else.

That one complaint aside, I highly recommend Technopriests if you’re into strange, dramatic science fiction comics. I got lucky in finding this volume, you can check out some random pages from different volumes on Scans Daily, and Amazon brings up a few books, but it seems the best bet would be on Humanoid Publishing’s website.

[Brett]

Welcome To Hoxford

"Ray? Who's Ray? I am Cronos, lord of the Titans."



Back in 2002, a little comic called 30 Days of Night, published by IDW, reared its head and showed its bloody fangs. This series became immensely popular, notably for it's unique take on vampires, and because of the equally unique, atmospheric art, courtesy of Ben Templesmith. 6 years later, Ben's becoming more and more popular a guy in the comics industry, and his latest work, Welcome to Hoxford, certainly shows why.

Written and illustrated by Mr. Templesmith, Welcome to Hoxford is a quick, dirty, 4-issue miniseries revolving around a prison full of mad serial killers and rapists of the most depraved variety. Oh, and the prison is run by Russians who also happen to be werewolves. The story mainly follows Ray Delgado, a former soldier with a fucked up childhood, delusions of being a god, and a habit of biting anyone who happens to be nearby. An unlikely protagonist for a story about werewolves and necrophiliac prisoners, but definitely one of the best comicbook characters I have ever encountered.

This is, if I am not mistaken, the third comic that Templesmith has written, but he clearly has a talent for it. The dialogue is dark and sometimes funny, my favorite scene being at the beginning of the second issue, when Ray has a conversation in his cell with a rat that wanders in, which happens to be his mother. The pacing is pretty much perfect, although the fourth and final issue has a sort of rushed feel to wrap things up. You get the feeling that if he just had another issue or two to work with, there would be a bit more breathing room for the story, but that would also kind of kill the speed of the book a little, I would imagine. This is meant to be pretty quick, and it succeeds at that.

The art is exceptional, which is expected from a guy with one of the most unique styles out there. Templesmith is one of the few people in the comic industry who does all of the artwork himself, coloring and all, and the man deserves an award or three considering his output. The violence is a bit stomach-churning, and the dark, bleak atmosphere is thick, the colors he chooses are perfect for each panel, sticking mostly with somber blues and then bringing out vicious reds and oranges for the more intense moments.

As a fan of comicbooks, this is pretty much the best thing I've read all year. Welcome to Hoxford beats out anything else to come out lately, especially now that I've all but given up on superhero comics from the big two. The final issue just came out last month, and according to Amazon the collected trade paperback edition will be out in March. I heartily recommend it, if only to support such an awesome guy, and to support a smaller publisher that isn't Marvel or DC.

[Brett]